Raining Petals

Friday, July 24, 2009

Mind Dumping

Have you ever found yourself sitting alone, quietly, in the dark and suddenly become so aware of yourself? Your thoughts becoming so loud you swear that if anyone was near you that they would totally pick up on the images and words swirling around in your head. That happens to me once in a while and if any of you tuned in now you might see that I am thinking of each of you...as I type my mind is running down my blog list and picturing each of you...like I am having my own little conversation with you. Unfortunately for us both I do not have anything of substance to say.

I thought I just might sit down and purge...just type...free flow. I haven't blogged for a while and really have been quite "over" the whole thing. Many times I have said I was going to make my blog private and use it strictly as Carter documentation, which I need to do more of badly. He is growing up so fast.

I am still in Poky. I have been taking the night shift for Casey and Cody. They go to bed when they are ready...somewhere between 10:00 and midnight. Then I stay up as long as I possibly can. I have loved doing this. I remember how much I needed sleep when Carter was first born...so this is something I have lenjoyed doing for them. So the past few weeks I have been getting to bed right around when most of you are waking up. This experience had made me think that if I had a nanny to take the night shift I would more than happily have a million kids.

I miss my boys dearly. Today I got a picture text on my phone of Carter swinging in the park with his friend, Ethan. He had a smile that stretched from ear to ear and he looked like he was having the time of his life. Tears immediately streamed down my cheeks and I had a few sobs here and there. I am glad I was in the car, alone, when I checked that message. I cried because I miss him immensely and cried more because he was so happy. Tears of relief, if you will. The only way I am able to be so far away from him is because I know he has an amazing daddy who is his hero and is taking him on great adventures while I am away. They are making some great memories together and that is totally cry worthy. I love you Josh. I don't know many husbands who would agree to the mom/wife being away for 3 weeks while you have to run the property and take care of Carter 24/7. I love you for letting me enjoy my time here and not having to worry that everything is okay back home. A few moms here and there have commented that they could never leave their kids for that long...my answer to you is...then don't.

I am also saying a prayer right now blessing whoever invented Skype.

On a similar note, it becomes glaringly obvious that when your oldest child turns 2 people start expecting an announcement any minute about when the next bundle of joy will be coming along. Well my one and only turned 3 and I have noticed some people are almost beside themselves wondering why I have not yet made a proclamation. Luckily, I am one that is not the least bit offended by this and find I am often curious about others as well. People have asked me and I am more than willing to share. Well...if it was up to me and my schedule then #2 would be somewhere around 3-9 months right now. However, I have come to terms that it is out of my control. Some women can get pregnant just thinking about it and others struggle with conceiving their entire lives. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I have had the extreme pleasure of getting pregnant and having a baby. It took about 3 years of trying for that to happen. Because it took so long the first time, we have done nothing to prevent any future pregnancies but so far no such luck, obviously. So that is my answer...I definitely want #2 and if it was in my control it would have happened by now. However, do not feel sorry for me. I am very happy and very content. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I feel strongly that I am known way better by my Father and trust that if I am supposed to have more kids then I will. Who knows...maybe down the road it will get to me and then I will be telling a different story. Right now, however, my story is one of loving the little family that I have and enjoying the one son I do have. My only bit of heartache happens when I think of Carter. I want him to have siblings. I can't imagine my life without my siblings and I want Carter to have the same blessings that my brothers and sister have been to me. I have not gotten into detailed tests or anything with doctors (though we have discussed it some) nor have I begun seeking out fertility treatments. Maybe someday I will, maybe I won't. That is not a decision I have made yet.

On another similar note I have listened to a lot and have read a lot about people who have had their feathers ruffled recently and seem to quite often.
My solution: how about everyone stop being so flipping offended by everything.
Guaranteed that when comments are made to you that 99.9% of the time they are not said maliciously or in ill will. Granted many people say things without thinking. But if you stop and realize that the vast majority of people would never say something to another person if they thought it was offensive, then you would realize that the person meant no harm and that you just might be a little sensitive that day or took it the wrong way. I just think too much time is wasted in people getting all huffy and puffy and complaining about things people have done to them. Stop making yourself a victim of other people's misplaced words (and even a victim of some people's very heated, and very intentionally placed words) and just start realizing that your life is yours and you have control no matter what a person may or may not have said or done to you. No doubt it is tough when people are intentionally rude. Who are they anyway? And to further on in my notes of similarities...I do not always believe in turning the other cheek...gasp! If someone is going too far or really concerning you with what they are saying then just tell them already. Don't wallow in it for days or weeks or months and tell everyone you meet EXCEPT them...talk them and tell them how you feel and get on with it. Sometimes people don't realize they are being jerks and sometimes they do and are being allowed to get away with it. Being offended and being stomped on are two different things. If someone has an issue with me then I am totally open and prefer them to come to me face to face and talk about it. I hate to hear that I have offended someone but they never came and talked to me or gave me a chance to set things right...instead they tell everyone but me. Okay...enough said by me since I am obviously an expert:)

Is this long enough yet? Are you still with me? That is okay if you have fallen off to sleep. It is just relaxing for me to sit and blurb my thoughts out.

Before I move on to another project to keep me awake for at least another 3 hours (Atrion is an unbelievably good baby and is making my job all to easy) I must throw out here how much I dislike flying. I worked up the nerve to fly up here by myself. Getting onto my first flight, in one of the smallest planes known to man, I almost lost it. It was a 2-seater on each side and we all were just squished in there together. I started to freak out and have an anxiety attack. My mind and heart were going a million miles per hour and it was all I could do NOT to get up and run off the plane. I seriously had my hand on my bag and was ready to bolt. I somehow manged to talk myself into calming down(which is hard to do sometimes and is usually left up to Josh to do for me)It is not that I am scared to fly. I do not think we are going to crash or die or blow up or whatever (though it is a possibility) but my anxiety comes from lack of control over the situation. Being thousands of miles up in the air and not being able to get off the plane if I wanted to or needed too. Being so close to strangers and realizing all of them just happen to have a cough and don't know how to cover their mouths gets to me as well. The little planes are the worst. Great big planes I can handle, when you can get up and move around, take a little walk...but the little planes send me over the top. My point here? Well...realizing I only had a week left and would have to get back onto a plane to get home sent me in a round of mental fits again. I am even dreaming about the stinkin' planes people! I decided there is no way I can get back on the plane. I just can't, especially not without my security blanket (Josh). It is stressing me out so bad I fear I might die of a heart attack or stroke by the time I am 26 3/4. So I had to come up with another solution.

I decided to take the train. Some people have questioned how that can be even remotely better. All I can say is that when I made the decision to take the train that I felt five million times better and am actually really excited about the adventure home. Yes it is longer...much longer than flying. Flying gets me there in 5 hours and the train gets me there in 2 days. Do I wish I wasn't a nutcase and loved flying...yes I really do! How much easier life and traveling(something I LOVE to do) would be. Do I feel ridiculous? Yes, yes I do. However, I have decided to make the most of my trip and dress in full Harry Potter regalia complete with a wand and a caged owl and will be ordering chocolate frogs and butterbeer from the trolley. Anyone want to join me?


Anonymous said...

Laura, You are truly a wonderous woman to step in & help Cody & Casey out with Atrion. It has been such a blessing having you there. I know it is so hard to be away from your boys but I don't think they could have made it without your help. I will be sooo sad to see you go. Thank you Thank you Thank you from the bottom of this Grammy's heart. I haven't worried with you there. And by the way I love trains. You are a choice lady.
Love, Kathy

K said...

Laura, I've always wanted to take a train trip. Last summer the kids and I took a ride through our town on a train, and that was cool, but I want to sit by the windows and watch the scenery change and feel the sway. I hope you have a fantastic time.

Loved your thoughts on offenses. I used to volunteer for an organization that sent care packages to women who had lost one or both twins, and the consensus among those grieving moms was that it was better for someone to say the wrong thing with their heart in the right place than to say nothing at all.

And your attitude about infertility is amazing (and completely foreign) to me. When I struggled, I felt very alone and desperate. It was heartbreaking for me, and I think I was changed for good (till the end, not for the better) in some ways, and I still kind of resent that. You're much healthier than I was, and I'm truly glad for you.

John and Anna said...

What a fun idea to go by train! Also, I agree with you about being offended! I've been quite frustrated lately by those that have chosen to be offended and in the process have allowed their children to suffer! So ridiculous! Anyway, thanks for putting what I've been thinking in words!

Shane and Amy Jo said...

First of all, you are a SAINT!!! I hope your sister realizes how lucky she is to have you as a sister, helping her through those nights with a newborn. Really...and saint. Secondly, Josh is a SAINT. You already mentioned that but I totally agree. Carter is such a lucky boy to have you and Josh as parents.

I loved your "mind dump." Your thoughts on not getting offended are my thoughts exactly. Way too much time spent on stupid stuff like that. We all need to lighten up, don't ya think?

Good luck with your Harry Potter-like journey home. Just picturing it makes me smile. It'll be fun and much more memorable than a smelly plane ride!

The Dayley Fam said...

Well, I for one am offended.....that I couldn't stay longer and visit with you! :p Had I not been keeping you from other things and had I not had somewhere to be, I probably would have stayed for hours just chatting. (Aren't you glad I had somewhere to be?!)

I think the train ride home will be an adventure! I went on a train once from CA to SLC; it's nice to move around and feel like you have a little more freedom.

I can't say that I've been successful at having the same attitude as you with regards to fertility, but I appreciate the reminder of where I need to be. Between that and our recent decisions, I've felt more peace about now than I have in many years.

Atrion is such a little sweetie, I could have held him foever!

Emily (Good Frau) said...

Good post. I agree with you about being offended. I have stopped following blogs that are so negative. What's the point?

And I can totally relate to what you said about infertility. We would love to have more, but we don't know when or if that will happen, and I always have the same thoughts about how I want Charlie to have siblings. But, like you said, I am so happy to have the child I have, and if we are never blessed with another one I will still be so happy to have my son and everything will really be okay.

I don't blame you a bit for taking the train. We flew to New York and back last week and I am still in bad shape from the flights. This has never happened to me before, but this time I got ear barotrauma and I have been dizzy for almost two weeks now. I would totally take the train if I was making the choice today.

Cheri said...

Ah, don't worry Laura, only 9 and 1/2 more weeks of grumpy, mean, nasty Cheri. Then the nameless child will be here and I'll be happy once again. Perminantly actually since this is my last child.
I am glad to hear how you feel about the whole baby situation. I've talked to you about it several times and I'm just glad to hear that your happy with where you are. I think that's pretty important.
As for the train, sounds like an adventure! Even if I personally would take a plane, I have always wanted to know what butterbeer would taste like.

Lara said...

Amy is so right with the whole SAINT thing. 3 weeks= WONDERWOMAN. I'm sure Casey knows how lucky she is.

Remarks on being offended= 100% true. Such a waste of time and energy. I don't understand it at all.

Infertility= look at your amazing attitude. Your boys are so so so so so so so sososo did I say SOOOOOOO lucky to have you? They're probably loving the extra attention from you anyway. :)

Small planes= prison. I totally agree with you. But I LOVE flying in big commercial planes. WEird?

Kristin said...

Laura you are AWESOME!! What a great thing to do...seriously because when you have a baby it is so hard at first... they aren't going to know what to do when you leave :) and AMEN to the getting offended thing. I know some people who are constantly getting offended at really really dumb things and so when I am around them I stress because for heavens sake I don't want to offend them.... it is very very STUPID!! And I am with you....we all just need to enjoy life a little more and not waste all of the time being mad at something someone probably didn't do intentionally in the first place. And as for a baby.... I love having two and I wouldn't change it for AnYthing!! But I agree with you that things happen for a reason. And really I wish so badly I had soaked up and enjoyed that time with MIchael. It is really a special time. Well I wish you the best with your train journey.... if I didn't have two babies I would LOVE to go on a journey with you!

julie said...

Tis true, A SAINT. I still always think about I wouldn't have survived school and life if you didn't take care of Ethan for me ALL THE TIME! You're his unofficial Godmother.

Danielle Prince (Mingo) said...


I too hate flying, and always have panic attacks and think I am on my death bed when stepping foot on one. However, I did take the train once to Idaho from Colorado because of this. It was terrible. Amtrak does not have any security, and you are sitting with crazy scary people squished. Get a private cabin if you do it (a sleeper car) Do not do coach. I upgraded to a sleeper cabin on the way back and loved it. It was so relaxing and beautiful. You get free meals if you do a sleeper cabin too. Well worth the money I promise!

*LaUrA* said...

Thanks Dani for the tips...I was worried about coach as well and never having ridden the train decided I better get a private cabin so that I could have privacy and see what riding the train is all about. I just couldn't imagine riding 32 hours to Chicago and trying to sleep sitting next to someone. So I totally splurged and got a little roommette. I am really excited about it! I am even more excited now that you said you loved it.

Us Bailey's said...

Laura- you are a saint! I remember when my mom came and did that for me for a couple of days. It was just what I needed- to be able to sleep and know that my baby was being watched and was okay! Also, AMEN! I wish people would just get over things as well (and sometimes I will admit that I have to remind myself of this when people start talking and get you worked up about something!- I'm trying!) I think people would be much happier. Good luck with your sister and enjoying that baby! Hope all goes well on your ride home- and thanks for the rambling!

Shawn and Megan Atwood said...

Laura, that was a great post, you had my attention the Whole time:) I am glad you are in Idaho with your family! You do have a great attitude about infertility! I feel like we have sort of a connection. Ryker took us 3 years as well, and Bridger took 2 1/2. I didn't have that great of an attitude at first and wallowed in my self grief for a while. Now I am realizing how much of a blessing it is and cherishing every moment with my kids because I don't know if I will have more children. Also plane rides...you will make fun of me for this, but I am so afraid of flying that I never actually have gotten on a plane. Sad I know that I am 27 and have never flown...I just am scared to death to fly:)

Dixie & Markus said...

Great post my friend. What a sweet sister you are! I have always wanted to ride a train from coast to coast. I think it makes you appreciate the distance and the landscape more.
I usually laugh at people that are trying to be rude. It makes me feel good and it REALLY confuses them. Being offended is a FAT time waster, and it's no good for the ol' blood pressure.

ps I made a big ol' pot of jambalya and some corn bread for the English family the other day. They loved it! And I loved watching them eat it. Nothing beats southern cookin'! Can I get an amen?!

*LaUrA* said...

Amen girl!

des said...

I was wondering why your facebook said you were almost home. I go in an out of blogging and such...haha. but now I'm all caught up! I hoep your train ride was great :) fun read.

Annie & Jake said...

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone regarding the flying thing. I feel exactly the same way. I dropped my mom off at the airport today and was nervous for her! I HATE to fly but somehow have to do it all the time. I think the train sounds like a good plan! Good luck! Tell us all how it goes!

Bradbury Family said...

Laurita, Laurita...(do I start every comment that way?--I'll never stop!)

Anyway, I can see you someday being in the general authorities like being in the R.S. presidency or YW presidency. You write your thoughts out so well and I can never read enough of them. I loved everything you said about being offended--it's so true and ridiculous how people over react!

Your nephew is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ADORABLE!!!! Ohmygoodness, please tell Casey that Chloe and him would make a dazzling couple! They're so lucky to have you over there helping them (hey, do you mind making a pit stop here in Phili on your way home?!?) Just kiddin' however someday we really do need to get together..yah, yah yah!

Anyway, I love you Laura! You're a wonderful mother, and you are such a great example to me and to so many others about trusting in the Lord. It's so comforting to know that he has a plan for each one of us.

and as for the train ride, all I can say is, "HAPPY TRAILS TOOOOO YOUUUUUUUU UNTIL YOU BLOG AGAIN.....HAPPY TRAAAAIIIILLLLS TO YOU..." imagine me singing this to you in a high pitchy-like voice! :)


Kari said...

I'm going to be honest...I didn't quite finish reading this whole post, but so far I like it! lol I promise to finish as soon as possible.

I'm so with you on the pregnancy thing. People certainly are nosy. But it ties right in with what you said about being offended...or better so NOT being offended. That is one of those that's easier said than done, but I agree that people don't consider that possibly you are trying and have been trying unsuccessfully for however long. As someone who is also trying for baby #2, I wish you the best of luck. =)

Kari said...

Man, there wasn't that much left, I should have just finished last night!

I think you'll love the train! Especially with your own sleeper. We took 2 trains in Russia and it was awesome! I hope you enjoy it and have a fun little journey.