I thought I just might sit down and purge...just type...free flow. I haven't blogged for a while and really have been quite "over" the whole thing. Many times I have said I was going to make my blog private and use it strictly as Carter documentation, which I need to do more of badly. He is growing up so fast.
I am still in Poky. I have been taking the night shift for Casey and Cody. They go to bed when they are ready...somewhere between 10:00 and midnight. Then I stay up as long as I possibly can. I have loved doing this. I remember how much I needed sleep when Carter was first born...so this is something I have lenjoyed doing for them. So the past few weeks I have been getting to bed right around when most of you are waking up. This experience had made me think that if I had a nanny to take the night shift I would more than happily have a million kids.
I miss my boys dearly. Today I got a picture text on my phone of Carter swinging in the park with his friend, Ethan. He had a smile that stretched from ear to ear and he looked like he was having the time of his life. Tears immediately streamed down my cheeks and I had a few sobs here and there. I am glad I was in the car, alone, when I checked that message. I cried because I miss him immensely and cried more because he was so happy. Tears of relief, if you will. The only way I am able to be so far away from him is because I know he has an amazing daddy who is his hero and is taking him on great adventures while I am away. They are making some great memories together and that is totally cry worthy. I love you Josh. I don't know many husbands who would agree to the mom/wife being away for 3 weeks while you have to run the property and take care of Carter 24/7. I love you for letting me enjoy my time here and not having to worry that everything is okay back home. A few moms here and there have commented that they could never leave their kids for that long...my answer to you is...then don't.
I am also saying a prayer right now blessing whoever invented Skype.
On a similar note, it becomes glaringly obvious that when your oldest child turns 2 people start expecting an announcement any minute about when the next bundle of joy will be coming along. Well my one and only turned 3 and I have noticed some people are almost beside themselves wondering why I have not yet made a proclamation. Luckily, I am one that is not the least bit offended by this and find I am often curious about others as well. People have asked me and I am more than willing to share. Well...if it was up to me and my schedule then #2 would be somewhere around 3-9 months right now. However, I have come to terms that it is out of my control. Some women can get pregnant just thinking about it and others struggle with conceiving their entire lives. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I have had the extreme pleasure of getting pregnant and having a baby. It took about 3 years of trying for that to happen. Because it took so long the first time, we have done nothing to prevent any future pregnancies but so far no such luck, obviously. So that is my answer...I definitely want #2 and if it was in my control it would have happened by now. However, do not feel sorry for me. I am very happy and very content. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I feel strongly that I am known way better by my Father and trust that if I am supposed to have more kids then I will. Who knows...maybe down the road it will get to me and then I will be telling a different story. Right now, however, my story is one of loving the little family that I have and enjoying the one son I do have. My only bit of heartache happens when I think of Carter. I want him to have siblings. I can't imagine my life without my siblings and I want Carter to have the same blessings that my brothers and sister have been to me. I have not gotten into detailed tests or anything with doctors (though we have discussed it some) nor have I begun seeking out fertility treatments. Maybe someday I will, maybe I won't. That is not a decision I have made yet.
On another similar note I have listened to a lot and have read a lot about people who have had their feathers ruffled recently and seem to quite often.
My solution: how about everyone stop being so flipping offended by everything.
Is this long enough yet? Are you still with me? That is okay if you have fallen off to sleep. It is just relaxing for me to sit and blurb my thoughts out.
Before I move on to another project to keep me awake for at least another 3 hours (Atrion is an unbelievably good baby and is making my job all to easy) I must throw out here how much I dislike flying. I worked up the nerve to fly up here by myself. Getting onto my first flight, in one of the smallest planes known to man, I almost lost it. It was a 2-seater on each side and we all were just squished in there together. I started to freak out and have an anxiety attack. My mind and heart were going a million miles per hour and it was all I could do NOT to get up and run off the plane. I seriously had my hand on my bag and was ready to bolt. I somehow manged to talk myself into calming down(which is hard to do sometimes and is usually left up to Josh to do for me)It is not that I am scared to fly. I do not think we are going to crash or die or blow up or whatever (though it is a possibility) but my anxiety comes from lack of control over the situation. Being thousands of miles up in the air and not being able to get off the plane if I wanted to or needed too. Being so close to strangers and realizing all of them just happen to have a cough and don't know how to cover their mouths gets to me as well. The little planes are the worst. Great big planes I can handle, when you can get up and move around, take a little walk...but the little planes send me over the top. My point here? Well...realizing I only had a week left and would have to get back onto a plane to get home sent me in a round of mental fits again. I am even dreaming about the stinkin' planes people! I decided there is no way I can get back on the plane. I just can't, especially not without my security blanket (Josh). It is stressing me out so bad I fear I might die of a heart attack or stroke by the time I am 26 3/4. So I had to come up with another solution.
I decided to take the train. Some people have questioned how that can be even remotely better. All I can say is that when I made the decision to take the train that I felt five million times better and am actually really excited about the adventure home. Yes it is longer...much longer than flying. Flying gets me there in 5 hours and the train gets me there in 2 days. Do I wish I wasn't a nutcase and loved flying...yes I really do! How much easier life and traveling(something I LOVE to do) would be. Do I feel ridiculous? Yes, yes I do. However, I have decided to make the most of my trip and dress in full Harry Potter regalia complete with a wand and a caged owl and will be ordering chocolate frogs and butterbeer from the trolley. Anyone want to join me?