Okay...I have done it. I have pushed aside my insecurities and self-loathing and posted pictures of myself. I don't like doing it. I don't particularly love the pictures. BUT I did it because I need to get over it. I have "been in hiding" over the past couple of years. I try my hardest to hide from any body who knew me when I was "skinny". I go to family events (seeing as that is where I got my genes from I fit in pretty well with some of my extensions...although a bunch of them have gone and started losing weight which just won't do!) and a small handful of my "Old Faithfuls" are allowed to be graced with my presence. Other than that...if you have spotted me lately it is because I didn't have my head in the game and got caught off guard! Darn you!
So...since high school I have become a double me. The summer of my wedding my metabolism plummeted and my weight ballooned. I have some medical issues with my digestive system that add to the problem. So you can say I have become much more of a homebody and somewhat reclusive in nature.(which totally isn't me!! The real me loves to go out, go on adventures, and be very social) The summer before becoming pregnant I got into a good groove and dropped 20 and was on a roll until the stick said positive. I even did well right after Carter was born dropping down 40...but then all of it piled back on full force. This is something I struggle with everyday...though I try not to think of it constantly. I am in search of my groove again...the one I found before pregnancy. If you haven't struggled with weight..and I am not referring to dealing with 10 extra pounds...I mean really struggle with A LOT of weight then you have no idea!! Most people say things like...well eat less and exercise more. Really??? Is that all I have to do??...not that simple Sally. Most people assume fat people eat to their heart's delight and sit around all day. Sure some do...but a lot don't. So please don't judge. I have heard the rudest, harshest comments made about people's weight. Fortunately nothing has ever been said to my face, but comments to others might as well be comments to me. People say it doesn't matter or they don't care. That is hard to believe though because the first thing out of their mouths when having just seen someone for the first time in a while is "Did you see how much weight she had lost!" "She is so skinny" or "Wow, so and so really put on a lot of weight" "They really let themselves go!" But I don't need sympathy. I am not phishing for self-boosting comments. Because I am okay.
Despite my weight being a huge issue for my self- esteem I am doing well in other areas. I know I am capable, I have ambition and drive, I am compassionate and give a lot of service, I am understanding, and giving, and loving. I am a valuable property manager. AND I have the cutest little boy and such a handsome husband! So see...there are a lot of good things about me and I know I am "worthwhile". I made this post so that I can work towards being fully well and letting go of a lot of the insecurities that I suffer from because of my body. If you all "know" then I no longer have anybody to hide from!! And that feels really great!
So...here are a couple of photos. Obviously I haven't gotten to the full body stage yet. ha! Let's see if that will ever happen. But this is huge for me! they are a bit awkward because I was the photographer as well as the photographed!!
And Nickita this is dedicated to you!! Your persistence paid off my friend. And I know you love me no matter what!!