Raining Petals

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

In This Skin

Okay...I have done it. I have pushed aside my insecurities and self-loathing and posted pictures of myself. I don't like doing it. I don't particularly love the pictures. BUT I did it because I need to get over it. I have "been in hiding" over the past couple of years. I try my hardest to hide from any body who knew me when I was "skinny". I go to family events (seeing as that is where I got my genes from I fit in pretty well with some of my extensions...although a bunch of them have gone and started losing weight which just won't do!) and a small handful of my "Old Faithfuls" are allowed to be graced with my presence. Other than that...if you have spotted me lately it is because I didn't have my head in the game and got caught off guard! Darn you!

So...since high school I have become a double me. The summer of my wedding my metabolism plummeted and my weight ballooned. I have some medical issues with my digestive system that add to the problem. So you can say I have become much more of a homebody and somewhat reclusive in nature.(which totally isn't me!! The real me loves to go out, go on adventures, and be very social) The summer before becoming pregnant I got into a good groove and dropped 20 and was on a roll until the stick said positive. I even did well right after Carter was born dropping down 40...but then all of it piled back on full force. This is something I struggle with everyday...though I try not to think of it constantly. I am in search of my groove again...the one I found before pregnancy. If you haven't struggled with weight..and I am not referring to dealing with 10 extra pounds...I mean really struggle with A LOT of weight then you have no idea!! Most people say things like...well eat less and exercise more. Really??? Is that all I have to do??...not that simple Sally. Most people assume fat people eat to their heart's delight and sit around all day. Sure some do...but a lot don't. So please don't judge. I have heard the rudest, harshest comments made about people's weight. Fortunately nothing has ever been said to my face, but comments to others might as well be comments to me. People say it doesn't matter or they don't care. That is hard to believe though because the first thing out of their mouths when having just seen someone for the first time in a while is "Did you see how much weight she had lost!" "She is so skinny" or "Wow, so and so really put on a lot of weight" "They really let themselves go!" But I don't need sympathy. I am not phishing for self-boosting comments. Because I am okay.

Despite my weight being a huge issue for my self- esteem I am doing well in other areas. I know I am capable, I have ambition and drive, I am compassionate and give a lot of service, I am understanding, and giving, and loving. I am a valuable property manager. AND I have the cutest little boy and such a handsome husband! So see...there are a lot of good things about me and I know I am "worthwhile". I made this post so that I can work towards being fully well and letting go of a lot of the insecurities that I suffer from because of my body. If you all "know" then I no longer have anybody to hide from!! And that feels really great!

So...here are a couple of photos. Obviously I haven't gotten to the full body stage yet. ha! Let's see if that will ever happen. But this is huge for me! they are a bit awkward because I was the photographer as well as the photographed!!

And Nickita this is dedicated to you!! Your persistence paid off my friend. And I know you love me no matter what!!

This is me being not so sure that this was a good idea at all!


Todd & Laura said...

I applaud you for this post. Being comfortable in one's own skin is never easy and if you can even make that first step, then way to go! Besides, for the record, I think you look beautiful!

Shane and Amy Jo said...

You go girl!!! I'm proud of you...I really, really am! That's a huge step forward. It's so dang hard to get over our individual battles...you know we all have them. The hardest part is just getting it out there. I hope you know how awesome you are. You are so witty and hilarious. I LOVE you! Good luck getting your groove back. Good luck with your move as well. I think it's exciting to take a little adventure. Hope you get there all in one piece!

Lara said...

I HATE these comments:
"Did you see how much weight she had lost!" "She is so skinny" or "Wow, so and so really put on a lot of weight" "They really let themselves go!

SO much pressure we all put on ourselves and others. It's hard to remember what's important when we're surrounded by such shallowidity. (yes, word.)

But in all honesty I think most of the pressure we put on ourselves. For example I see no reason why you would be afraid to put these pictures up. You look beautiful and your hair is awesome! So just know that you're probably being WAY harder on yourself than you should be. You're a beaut on the outside, but most importantly on the inside too. Loves.

Carrie said...

Your pictures are beautiful...they really, really are. I love you tons.

Good luck with the move. Hey, I just realized that as soon as I moved back to Idaho from the South, you decided to take off to the South...it all makes sense now...just kidding. Good luck with the move. As stressful as it can be, we like to de-junk too. We move so much that we really haven't accumulated anything "extra"...we stick to the essentials. When are you leaving by the way? If your in Twin before you go, make sure to give me a call so I can see you before you go.

The Dayley Fam said...

Having never known who you used to be and being an outsider looking in..from what little I know, I think you're awesome! I love reading your posts because it feels like something I could have written myself and I appreciate not feeling so alone in the world, if even for just a few minutes each day.

For the record, I think your photos are beautiful! I appreciate your struggle with self-image because I, too, have doubled in size since my younger days. The blow it did to my self-esteem keeps me from all the things I loved to do. I avoid people I once knew because I am so embarassed at what I have become. I feel awkward in public and quite often feel like people only see "some fat chick" when they look at me.

Recent events in my life have made me realize that I am worthwhile, that my passions and goals did not change with my size; just how I saw them. Most days I am still filled with self-loathing for my outward appearance but if even for a few moments each day, I am getting happier about who I am. I hope I can continue that trend.

Also, adding to my novel....good luck with your move. We are in the process of moving, too, and I hate it! We've moved 10 times in the 7 years we've been married but this time we get to do it with a toddler who's only goal in life is to empty the boxes Mommy just filled. I can't wait to find a home where we just STAY and I don't have to deal with moving again.

Casey Marie said...

You already know I think you're beautiful :)

K said...

I totally agree with Lara. I think we (as women in general) are waaay too hard on ourselves. We tend to compare ourselves at our worst to others at their best, and that's not fair. You are a saucy chic, no matter what size jeans you wear.

Kristin, Jeff, and Michael said...

First things first...your BEAUTIFUL!! Always have been...and always will be. I have to say it made me really happy to see you!! I am excited to see you more...besides when I see you at home...which sounds like isn't going to happen for a long time
:( since we are moving to Texas and you to Mississippi. Boo...:( And Carter really is so adorable! I love his little smile! Ahh I just want to hug him.

ashley said...

If you notice, I barely ever post pictures of myself either... but that just has to do with the fact that I am the most UNphotogenic person in this world. And that is not a joke. Look through our yearbooks...I dare you...where your protective eyewear though. I really enjoyed this post and how you opened up. I am really mad at you, however, because I didnt even know that you were moving to timbucktoo and I wanted to get together and do something!! Boo :(

Bradbury Trio said...


YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL LAURA INSIDE AND OUT! I know you inspire so many of us with your blog--My confession is that I still have 50 lbs to lose--I've gained since having a baby, and find it soooooooooo hard to lose! I LOVE FOOD! I think about it constantly and it's a real trial for me!!! My sister in law made me feel better by saying that what worked before having a baby won't work now---that you have to relearn your whole body again--and that's so true! I could work out all week 45 min a day, and not each too much and I'll lose 1 lb, but I can gain 10lbs instantly.

Sorry for babbling---I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LAURA!! Thanks for the post! I miss seeing your face so much--you are so amazing and I can't even begin telling you how much I look up and admire you!!! Cheers to you my Laurita!!!!!! MUAW! MUAW!

millerandbrandi said...

I think you look absolutely beautiful in the pictures!