In Retrospect

It has been 4 years and I have come a long way.

This post is looking back on the journey I have taken since becoming a mother. It is deeply personal but something I felt like I wanted to write about and record.

I know many of you will read this and might be able to understand but not empathize. When it comes to motherhood I guess you can say I feel like a misfit. Like I never quite joined the circle and fit in emotionally, physically, spiritually. I became a mother, so I was there, but to me it felt more like watching others to see how I was supposed to be feeling rather than how I was truly feeling.

The first few months postpartum I got ransacked with the comment/question, "Isn't being a mother the best thing in the entire world?!?! Could you ever imagine it would be this wonderful?!" I would usually smile politely or nod my head in agreement because that was what I was supposed to do. But in my head I was screaming and frustrated because I was not feeling those feelings. What I wanted to say was, "No! This isn't the best thing in the world. I am dying here. This is HARD. I don't sleep. I do not have even a moment of time to gather my thoughts. I am walking through life feeling like a zombie right now."

Here is the thing, I could definitely imagine how wonderful it was supposed to be. The visions, dreams, and plans I had before I gave birth were what I was supposed to be feeling and living. I disappointed myself in multiple ways and it was hard to face the fact that I was not the mother I had always imagined I was. I always told anyone who asked that I was going to have 12 kids. A big house full of kids and one that would never be empty because grand kids would start coming before my youngest even graduated from school. I imagined being very disciplined in my parenting and knowing the right way to do everything. I already knew all the things I would NEVER do...only to have several of those done and done over and over again before the first week of Carter's life had even passed. Most of things I would NEVER do, well...I guess you could say they were actually things I would ALWAYS do. :)

I have always been happy for my friends who were joyous right from the start. I wish that was me. I would never wish the feelings I went through on anybody. It was a hard time. It is a time that still scares me. I am pretty much terrified of going through that again. Part of me does not want to do it all again. To just stop while I am ahead because I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can make it out a second time. This may seem extreme, that is because it is. It was that bad. I was able, for the most part, to put on a face and "fake it till you make it". I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted people to think I was being a good mom. So I pretended as best I could. So most people who were around me at the time might not even realize most of this. I did share a lot of this way back at the beginning of blogging in a post. I am glad I did because made a friend out of it:) It also helped me realize I am not alone. There are other mother's out there who have had these feelings. Hormones play a huge role in this. It took an extremely long time for my body to even out again. I don't know why? But like I mentioned in the past post, it took a full 18 months before I actually noticed a physical change starting to take place. It felt like a big heaviness was starting lift off my chest. Happiness started creeping back in. Finally.

So, I guess you can say motherhood has been something I have had to grow into. It has taken a lot of adjusting, crying, praying, and self-talk. Seriously, if you do not talk to yourself. Maybe you should. And I don't mean out loud but by all means if you need to talk out loud go for it. You might also call it pondering. I make sure to take time to think things out, ponder, and realize what is important and what is not. I self-evaluate and set goals. I can talk myself out of feeling bad a lot of times. And that has made a huge difference. It really does work.

What excites me about writing this post is the fact that I can say that I think I have made it! I no longer have to look at other moms and wonder what I am supposed to be feeling. Now I have those feelings. They finally caught up with me...or I finally caught up with them, I think maybe they have always been there but I had to get through the clutter before I could feel them.

This last year, especially, has been HUGE! Watching Carter grow and change and become the little person he is has been thrilling. My heart swells and explodes several times a day as I just look on as he lives his little life right now. I think my love for Carter has grown exponentially in the past year and it just keeps multiplying. I love my little boy. He is my best little friend. And he is so naughty. Haha...but so sweet at the same time. As hard as this is to say, at the beginning I wanted things back to normal. Just me and Josh. I needed things to go back to how they were because I could handle that. I loved Carter as my baby but I guess at the time I couldn't handle the change. Which I hate saying. It makes me feel like I am weak. Like I am bad/evil/mental. I know it was something so much more than that just going on inside of me and I was not myself. It was not my fault. But I still dislike it.

But now, my life only makes sense with Carter in it. We spend every minute of every day together and I LOVE it. There are those times when I just need a moment of alone time. When I beg Josh to please take Carter for a walk or let me go to the store alone but those moments are few and far between compared to what they used to be. Carter and I get along just fine. We play and go lots of places. He usually gets to be the Captain and chart out the plan. Yes, he is spoiled. Yes, he believes the world in fact revolves around him. Because it is true, my world does revolve around him. I love age 3 and so far I love age 4 but I do not like age 5. I want Carter to stop growing, pronto! I want him to stay my little boy and it is all going by too fast.

The other night Carter fell asleep while we were watching a movie. In a rare moment, I picked him up and laid him on my chest and just held him for about an hour while he slept. It has been a long time since I have done that. I wanted to imprint that feeling. His little body. His smell. I wanted time to stop and allow me to always be able to hold him. I imagined him as a man, like his daddy, and wanting to hold him again but not being able to. Because I can't imagine that the feelings I had right then ever change. Do they? Just because they grow up? I imagine I will always want to hold my little boy just like I did that night. But life goes on and he will grow up and unless you want a book written about you, you don't crawl into your grown son's window at night and hold him. Yeah Katy, you are right...a little creepy. haha.

I feel great. I am so happy. Life is seriously so good right now. Josh and I keep looking at each other...like we are waiting for the ball to drop. Like, what have we done to be so blessed? But I try everyday to take my life with gratitude, not for granted.

People keep asking and even saying things like, "when you have your next child". To be honest. I am in no hurry. I am enjoying ever minute with my little family and love that I can give Carter so much time and attention. I have moments of being completely baby hungry and wanting another. But I am okay with the fact that I move at a slower pace.

I really hope no one cringes at me when they read this. I hope it is read with understanding. I hope no one judges me for not having those same feelings, or maybe the same intensity of those feelings, that other moms have instantly. It is not something I chose. I would never have picked for things to go the way they did. I wanted so badly to be like the other mothers I knew. To swoon and exclaim , "YES!" when asked if being a mom was the best thing ever. I know it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me but I hope for the health of society that issues like this are looked upon with more sensitivity and less criticism.

I wish there was more awareness of postpartum depression and resources for mothers who are dealing with it. While it was discussed and I was educated on it before giving birth, after the fact you can feel abandoned. My doctor gave me some pills but that was the extent of it. It was so much more than that and I would have liked somewhere to turn, some place to go. Thankful for my husband who stood by my side and took care of me and Carter when I couldn't. He is my hero. For my mom who dropped everything to be there when I needed her. They were the only ones I let in at the time and I am grateful they accepted the invitation as if it were no big deal to pick up the slack.

So, in retrospect, nothing worked out like I had always imagined. But what in life actually does? I have come a long way and I am so grateful that I made it to the place that I am in now. I pray it only continues to get better here on out as I grow into my role as a mother. Though I have come a long way, I have longer to go. There is so much that can be improved upon. Which is actually encouraging because that means I have a place to go and things will only get better. The road started out bumpy but right now it is pretty smooth sailing.

So is being a mother the best thing ever you ask? Yes. Yes, it really is.

Speaking Words of Wisdom...Let it Be

I just read this on my friend Amy's blog who read it on her friend's blog and thought many of you might need to hear this as well. I sure need it...and I will need it tomorrow...and the next day and the next. Carter is being particularly challenging lately and at times I start to pity myself and start apologizing to everyone about my son being 3 years old and acting like it. In the back of mind of course I know that Carter is my greatest blessing but I need to bring that to the forefront more often and start treating him like our Father would treat him. I need to stop saying things like..."when he is grown I will finally be able to do this"..."when he just starts school then things will get easier"...etc...why do I keep wishing my greatest blessing away? None of things I think I want to do "when he is grown" are anywhere near the importance of raising my son...nothing will be a greater accomplishment than enduring as a family...a happy one...a loving one...nothing. I do have to give myself some credit though and say that we do have amazing days and I love him more than life....but I need to work harder at turning those frowns upside down whenever they appear. So read on folks...read on!

How do you think of your children? On any given day, would you say your children are a blessing or a burden? Here is a challenge to you…How are you?”…“How is the baby?”…“How are your kids?”… We all hear these questions every day. Do you know a mom who always answers something like this: “Well, I haven’t killed my 2-year-old yet, so I guess that’s good.” Or, “I’m just exhausted,” or, “Things are absolutely crazy – I am so stressed out!”
Maybe that frazzled, haggard, bewildered mommy is someone you know. Maybe it’s you. I know I’ve been there. Here is my question to you today… are we bearing our blessings as burdens? Those babies that we dreamt of and prayed for, that we had so much fun choosing names for, that we counted the days to meet… are they burdens to us now? Those homes that we were ecstatic to move into… are they burdens now? That husband that we couldn’t live without, that we picked out the wedding dress for, that we cried and ached and waited by the phone for… is he a burden now? That job you needed, you wanted and prayed for, that provides food and clothing for your family… is it a burden now?Sometimes it seems to me like a mantle we as moms must carry. We must be tired, we must be stressed out; we must be harried and frazzled, we must be lucky just to make it through the day. Are we bearing our blessings as burdens? Are we tired? Absolutely.
As moms, we know about the 2 a.m. feedings, the nightmares, the wet beds, the midnight curfews. Do things get a little stressful between PTA meetings, dance class, the T-ball game, and dinner on the table at 6? Sure they do. Are husbands always a joy when they get home from work? No way. Is scrubbing the potty, doing the laundry, and cleaning the high chair tray the greatest thrill we’ve ever known? Of course not.
So how do we look past the burdens and see the blessings of our families and our homes? Do you know any women who would give anything to have a baby to nurse at 2 a.m.? Anyone who would love to have those clothes we are sick of washing, or that house we just can’t keep clean. Do you know any women whose husbands aren’t coming home?
I challenge you to joy, to smile, to persevere. I challenge you to bear your burdens as blessings and watch as they multiply. And the next time someone asks you how you are, throw off that identity of stressed out, frazzled mommy, find your smile and answer, “I am blessed!”

Thanks Amy for sharing! I am Blessed! If any of you want to post this...post on folks...post on!

Clarification and Martha 101

First, Congratulations to me on making my 50th post!! Woohooo!!

A moment ago Julie informed me, via MSN Messenger,that my last post could have been offensive to the "Marthas" out there. Well good. Haha...no my intent was not to offend. Julie thought she fell under the category of "Martha" and thought I was secretly talking about her. Oh Julie! Now when I say "Martha" here is what I mean:

MARTHA 101

*A woman, particularly a fellow mother, who looks as if she has it together 100% of the time, but secretly is stealing lots of money or lacing her cupcakes with trans fatty acids. Basically, a person who will always paint a pretty picture, when in fact she could use a good friend talk to.

*A "Martha" is a person who deems themselves the almighty expert at such thing as parenting and marriage. Then proceeds to give out her wisdom anywhere and everywhere as she sees fit. She will not hesitate to make snide remarks about the job you are doing as a parent or wife. Most of the time the comments will not be outright and frank(though at times they will)...but she will more casually throw them out there so it is not until usually later when you realized you have been attacked.

*She seems to think her remarks will "inspire" the receiver to shape up and do things right, therefore ridding the world of the "undesirables". She becomes extremely dismayed when she finds out her children display much of the undesirable behavior she so earnestly seeks out to destroy in others, but tries with all her might to hide it rather than seeking advice or resources. (Because in the end we are all much more alike than different...gasp!)

Okay...anyways I could go on...but my point was not that I let my child eat candy and watch TV all day and that people should just leave me alone about it. Because the fact is I do not like Carter to eat candy, I would much rather he have nutritious foods and I do not let him just watch anything...but I really don't mind when he wants to watch a kids show. My point was is that everyone should LIVE AND LET LIVE...my point was to the "radicals" who have all these rules (which I am not against the rules...rules are good!)... BUT they try to make you feel bad, inferior, and inadequate if you do not follow their same regiment! All the things I listed, breastfeeding, cloth diapers, organic foods...and so on are very good things...that is not what I am against...I am just turned off by "Moms Against Moms" and believe mothers should ban together to offer friendship, "helpful" advice, and resources to each other rather than negative criticisms and snootiness. Rather than judge a mom for giving her child say "cotton candy" for a snack;)...tell her how your child got a kick out of making these cute little "apple critters" for a fun snack and ask her if she wants to come over and make them with you! See how easy that is!! Most of the time there is a lack of education and resources that cause parents to do less than desirable things...and if we all just had friendly, helpful suggestions, and presented them in a tactful, creative manner we would all be much better off. It is not about conforming people to your routine...but bettering yourself and your family by learning from others. It is a give and take. Take from other mothers the ideas you like and use them for yourself and give of yourself and your time and talents so that others can benefit from you. That was my point. I was not trying to offend anybody or put anybody down...I was just saying!!

Amen.

I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids

I went into the bookstore a week or so ago looking for a potty training book and came out with this instead. The title caught my attention immediately because I have often expressed this same sentiment to myself many times since having Carter. I am only 60 pages in but so far I am really enjoying it! It does two things...makes me not feel so guilty and alone and number two makes me realize I could be way worse off than I am.

This book is written by two women (mothers) and has a lot of blurbs from other mothers around the nation....being *GASP* honest about how they feel and the daily struggles mothers face.

One lady says "I love being a mother, I just don't like doing it"...we all love our kids but the truth is being a modern day mother is tough.

There are different types of mothers. There are the ones who "were born to be mothers" and always are smiling and shiny and so happy and everything is perfect...they can have 6 kids under the age of 2 and tell you it is paradise.

I am not one of them.

One mother in the book states "I thought having a baby would be like having a pet-oh, this will be cute, we'll be this happy little family." (p.21)

That is how I was. So naive.

My pregnancy was a dream pregnancy. I never felt pregnant...the only sign was when my stomach got enormous and Carter was doing karate. Other than that I felt wonderful! (until the last few weeks when Carter was the size of a truck and sitting so low I could hardly walk to the bathroom...which I had to do every 5 minutes!) I was blissful with so many expectations and hopes. I thought everything would be glittery and fluffy and so nice and fun and we would romp through fields of flowers and bake cookies and play with cars and read books and then we would slumber peacefully until it was time for our next adventure. Why was I so naive?...I don't know. I thought I was one of "those" mothers who would always have it all together and I would never want anything more.

WRONG.

Labor started horribly painful...after a good 7 or 8 hours I finally progressed enough to get an epidural. And the Angels in the heavens rejoiced! Seriously...that is how wonderful that stuff is! It made the worst experience of my life simply the best. I am not one of those women who beat themselves up for not going all natural. Sorry...you just won't find me giving a medal to women who do. I mean don't get me wrong...good for them for doing it their way and how they want...that is great...just don't try and make others feel like you went through "more" than the women who opted for meds...You opted for the pain...I opted for the being able to talk and laugh and really enjoy my experience...before hand I was seriously dying and Josh was right along side me freaking out...he was as happy or even more so than I was when the anesthesiologist walked in...darn...I needed to send that guy a Christmas card...after all he is my best friend.

The first couple nights in the hospital were great. I had plenty of help and food coming to me at regular intervals. So far things were pretty fluffy...no signs of things getting hard.

The first night at home was awesome. Carter slept a lot. I awoke refreshed got up and got dressed, cleaned and organized a little and waited for my family to arrive. That was about the end of all the glitter and gold.

From there I slid into a depression that consumed by entire being. On top of that I contracted a pneumonia! I all of the sudden couldn't breath. I would fall asleep and then jump awake because I was suffocating! The doctor sent me directly to the ER because he was worried it was a blood clot in my lungs. After putting on a gown and sitting in the waiting room for HOURS...my milk decided it was time to come in. Imagine me sitting in a gown with 2 nice wet circles leaking through so obvious that people couldn't help but stare...classy huh...so much fun.

Oh but it gets so much more fun. I get wheeled into the room to get a CT scan. They inform me they will be injecting me with a dye that will taste like I have pennies in my mouth and will make me feel really hot and may cause nausea. Perfect! I will take 2 please!

So I am trying to lay perfectly still while being scanned and meanwhile my body just starts to flush and I am getting so hot and the nausea creeps in and then I am yelling that I am going to puke...the guy dressed in all white comes rushing from behind the glassed in room just in time to hold that tiny, little, kidney bean shaped dish up to my mouth as I gag...I had a very empty tummy so I was just dry heaving...violently...and as many of you mothers know that after pushing a watermelon out of your lemon...things are loose and everything is just out of whack. So as I am heaving I am peeing all over myself...nice huh...so much fun. I bet I was just a real charmer to those two men who were helping me. I was producing all kinds of fluids that day. The body producing fluids is not embarrassing...it is quite essential...but throwing them out there for all to see...not so much.

So I go home with my pneumonia-ated lungs just in time to see my mom off and be left alone with Josh and my baby.

During this depression I wanted to see NO ONE! There were two people that I wanted. Josh and my mom. Anybody else's appearance only frustrated me and made things worse. Of course Carter was with me. The mothering instinct was able to break through some of the barriers and allow me to care for my son. Not without bad thoughts and wishing him away. How horrible is that? This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I wanted a baby for so long. I couldn't wait for the day Carter arrived. And here I was just a few days later wishing him away. The main culprit for my feelings was exhaustion. The lack of sleep makes me into a completely different person. I cried and cried and cried. I could not find joy in the daily things of life. I couldn't ever imagine going to the grocery store again or going to a movie or playing games...all of that seemed pointless and life was hopeless for me. Julie came by, my sister brought me lunch...and it breaks my heart now..but at the time I just wanted them to go away. That is how I know this wasn't me...I would never want that! I would have good moments of calm when we were together as our little family...but then I would just start crying again. My poor husband. I can't even imagine what was going on in his mind. He was probably looking up the numbers to a loony bin to admit me to. He was so wonderful though and just let me cry and held me and loved me. He was my voice for me because I couldn't communicate with others because I was just crying and crying. He called my mom and told her to come back when I asked him to. He then called my doctor on my prompting to get me some help! (I have to interject here with a shout out to my mommy! She dropped everything and came right up when Josh called her. She came in with bags of groceries and made sure we ate. She kept the house tidy and tended my precious bundle while Josh and I tried to catch up with our Z's. She is my hero. She was my lifesaver. Thank you Mom. I don't know if I could ever express how much I needed you then and how so grateful I am that you were there.)

Luckily, this kind of thing happens quite often to women. The doctor told Josh to come right on up to his office and get some "happy" pills I as affectionately called them. They were a lifesaver. They didn't take away the pain completely, but they help me so much that I could start working though things on my own. I was only on the pills for a week or two. I think my body was just so out of balance, hormones were off the charts crazy, and I just needed a little help getting realigned. Thank goodness for medicine. I am no Tom Cruise on this matter and I know what I felt was real and that I needed help. If I kept going how I was I don't know if I ever would have gotten back on track. I am glad I was not too "proud" to seek help. That saved my life.

So slowly but surely things started to get better. The first 3 months were so hard. All of these people would say "Oh aren't kids so much fun!" "Isn't being a mom the best!"...and I would just smile a nod but in my head I was saying "Are you kidding me? What is fun about all of this?" I was wondering if I was alone...all the other mommies seemed to be having so much fun. What was wrong with me? I was so disappointed in myself. I had high expectations of the mother I would be...and here I was at rock bottom just trying to make it day to day.

Over the next year things got a lot better! Once Carter started getting more independent things got easier. He was never the newborn baby that slept all of the time. He started out active and ready to go! That was tough because I never got to nap. He always wanted something and wanted me in the room...if I wasn't there or giving him what he wanted he would scream. I remember once I decided to watch a movie...it took me about 8 hours to finally get the movie watched because of the demands of Carter. Once he started moving though and could get things he wanted (in some respects) I was able to have more free time (which means being in the Kitchen while Carter is in the living room) Things have progressed a lot since then. However, I think it seriously took until Carter was 17 months old to feel like my body(hormone wise) was finally back to normal. I had episodes over those months were I would be so happy and then just all of the sudden be so blue. I fought off all of those feelings myself though by self-talk and talking to others.

Now I am scared to death to have baby number 2. I have heard many times that depression gets worse with each child. I never want to feel that way again! That was the worse feeling I have ever experienced. I was not in control...I was in a dark, sad place that I never want to visit again. At least now I am aware and will be prepared for next time. I am finally at a place now where I can think about trying for another baby...it was a long road...it took a long time...but I am finally there!

Carter is amazing. I am upset about how things started...how it wasn't ideal and I didn't have the feelings so many of my friends who were new mothers were having. But I can honestly say I would do it all over again for him. I love him so much. He makes me laugh everyday and his smile just sends flutters right to my heart. He is so much fun. We do have tons of adventures and so many good times...but being a mother is still the hardest job I have ever had.

I wrote this because I felt I needed to tell my story. I never wrote it down. I felt so alone. Everyone kept telling me how wonderful their lives were and I couldn't relate at the time. I do know that other women can relate to me. That is why I wrote this. Because I wasn't alone...but this is just something that doesn't get talked about enough. Often times people will pretend all is well...when really the best thing we could do for ourselves is be honest. By being honest we find truth in all aspects of our lives.

Julie and I were talking about how everyone's blogs are always so much sunshine and smiley faces (which is a good thing! People blog about what makes them happy)...but we decided a little honesty and showing the rough times, and vulnerability might be a benefit to ourselves and others as well.

So here ya go! This is one for the records! If you made it through this thank you for sticking with me!

I recommend the above mentioned book and will most likely comment on it again. If any of you read it...lets have a discussion session.

To all you shiny, happy mothers...keep on sparkling...you are good at what you do. To everyone else...no need to pretend. There are a lot of us in the same boat who could use a friend to vent to who understands where we are coming from...all judgments aside...to let us know we are still sane and we are good mothers. In the end we all love our children and want what is best for them...we just want to be happy doing it.