Donuts with Dad

Last week Josh was invited to Carter's to school to participate in "Donuts with Dad". It took place bright at early at 8:00 am.
Carter had made Josh a tool belt with some hand made projects that said things like "Dad deserves a big hand" and "Best Dad I ever saw!"(on a cut out of a saw that was then placed in the tool belt.) It was cute. Carter also drew a picture of himself and his Daddy riding 4 wheelers over at our friend's house. We did that 2 weeks ago and apparently it was the best day of Carter's life thus far. Josh made a mental note to take him again really soon.

Carter's teacher had a questionnaire filled out with all of Carter's answers. Here it is:

My Dad Is Special!

My Dad is special because he works hard to take care of us.

How old is your dad? maybe 25.

How strong is your dad? He can pick up a van.

What color is his hair? Brown, just like mine    (except it isn't? Carter has darker hair...Josh is more blond)

What color are his eyes? Brown    (except they are hazel. I guess we need to work on our colors???...or just actually have him look at Josh  really close...haha)

What do you do that makes your dad happy? be good at school.

What do you do that makes your dad mad? get on red or break his tools.

What does your dad like to watch on T.V.  Criminal Minds  (this one is funny to me because it has been over a year since Josh has                  watched an episode of that)

What does your dad like to eat? Mexican Food

What does your dad do best? Work.

Signed by Carter on 4-5-2012

Here are a few of my own questions that I am going to ask Carter right now...

If Daddy could go anywhere in the world where do you think he would go? Arkabutla (the lake just up the road from us. Josh asks us if we want to go here often)

Does Daddy have a favorite color? Green, blue, and red.

Who is Daddy's favorite person? Me     Who Else?   (points at me)

What is Daddy's job? He works, he works at Memphis and works at people's trailers

What do you like the most about Daddy? He is my favorite daddy because he is nice to me and we play together.

How much do you love him? a hundred and two thousand.

Carter really does love his daddy and looks up to him in all he does. He wants Josh's approval and wants to know Josh is proud of him. They often wrestle and chase and can be heard playing a game called "Partner"  where they talked in deep, raspy voices and are cowboys. They will go on walks while playing this game and talk in their "partner" voices about the things they are seeing.

Currently, Josh is an assistant coach on Carter's baseball team so they have been going to practices together as the season is just getting started. Josh will take Carter out to the big grassy field in front of our office and pitch to him while Carter practices hitting the ball. Carter is actually really good at coach pitch. It has surprised me because he was never very good at hitting from the tee. Josh has been very proud.

Other things Josh and Carter like to do together is go fishing, watch cartoons, and play with Legos. Carter will also tag along with Josh while he is doing landscaping and maintenance on our properties. For Carter's future wife's sake I hope he picks up a lot of the handy man skills that Josh possesses as he tags along.

My hope is that these two continue to stay close and build an even stronger relationship that will get them through the teenage years (which I already fear greatly). I hope they build traditions together and that they both will look back fondly on Carter's childhood and the memories they are making. I hope Carter sees and appreciates the example that Josh sets as a righteous Priesthood holder in our home and as a hard worker. I hope he sees Josh's kindness towards his fellow man and his quickness to serve and want to emulate that. Carter definitely has a good man to look up to and I could not ask for a greater blessing than that.

Today

When the alarm went off at 6:30 I made the executive decision to have Carter stay home. After the extreme coughing and lack of sleep that occurred last night I did not feel he needed to sent to school. I hate him missing out on the lessons but when you are over tired or not feeling well...not much learning is going to happen anyhow.

After I got up and got dressed Carter asked me if I would race him in a few games on the Wii. He had been asking me for a couple of days and I had to keep pushing it off. So I finally sat down and raced him on a Sonic the Hedgehog racing game. I won twice. He won once. The computer won a couple of times. It was fun.

Then we headed over to the office. Today is the 6th. Deposit day. Rent is due on the 1st for my tenants. They have until the 5th to pay before they start accruing late fees. So the majority of rent payments come in between those two dates. On the 6th I make my largest deposit of the month. I have my own check scanner in the office so I actually scan all the checks and money orders right there without ever having to go to the bank. I then have to input all of the payments into our accounting system. I then see who has not paid and make contact with them (ugh...my least favorite part) Luckily, I have pretty good tenants right now. 90% of them paid. Later today I received half of the outstanding balances and only have a handful of people I am waiting on. It does not look like I will have to do any evictions this month. Yay! I had 2 last month. One left...the other paid in full and gets to stay. The tenants that left, left my only vacant unit and I have someone lined up to rent it. Things are running very smoothly right now.

Carter and I ended up staying the entire day at the office. I had lots of traffic. People wanting to rent, people paying rent, etc. I had a lot of bookkeeping to get done. So Carter watched PBS and colored A LOT in his dragon coloring book. He is getting really, really good at coloring inside the lines. I never told Carter he had to stay in the lines. That is something that stuck with me in one of my college classes. I knew that eventually he would come to it in his own terms. I always told him his scribbles were fantastic. And they were. His neat pictures are fantastic too. After all of my work was finally done and I had a sufficient headache Carter asked me if he could try a game on the computer. I then too respite on the couch and caught up on Entertainment Weekly. The magazine told me who should win the Grammy's (Adele being the big winner) and who the Front runners are for the Oscars(the two ladies who played the maids on "The Help" and George Clooney (I think) ).

 Josh called. In 4 years I think this is the first time he made it home before me. So we packed ourselves up and headed home. It was 6:30. Time had gotten away from us! So we stopped at "Big Mamas". I call it that...but it actually just called Cafe 51. They are a cafeteria style diner that serves Southern Home Cookin'. Perfect for a night that I did not make it home in time to cook dinner. You go through the line and pick one meat and then pick either 1, 2, or 3 veggies. We got it to go and ordered things like hamburger steak, chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, and green beans. It was Slap Yo Mama good. I wish I could never make dinner and always let Big Momma cook for us.

We ate and got Carter in the shower and into jammies and into bed. His coughing had seemed to cease but since starting this post he has had a few small fits. I hate it because he always cries a little bit after each fit. :(

I then Skyped Casey. Then got into my bed with my laptop and started typing...which leads me to now. Josh is snoring beside me. I am now either going to catch a show on Netflix or read until my eyes go foggy and I can no longer stay awake.

Goodnight. Sweet Dreams.

Yesterday

Church was good. It was testimony meeting. Bishop Hope (our previous Bishop) got up. That man radiates the Spirit. Whenever he gets up to speak I can be sure my heart will be pricked. Cathy Hope (his wife) taught the lesson in Young Women's today. We were all combined. There were only 8 young women in attendance. She always does a fabulous job. The lesson was on happiness. It was perfect timing for me. I loved being part of the listeners that day and learning. I am also becoming more comfortable in my calling. I always meant to blog about it.

In August we got a new Bishopric. With that came a reorganization of the Relief Society. I was 2nd counselor. If I recall correctly, the Relief Society President had been in the calling for 6+ years. She was so ready to be released. I was not ready, having been in there just over a year. I loved my calling. I loved teaching the lesson every 3 months and listening to the other teachers. I enjoyed getting to know the ladies and plan activities for them. Luckily, I knew the time was coming and had time to mentally prepare. In all honesty, I thought I would stay in the presidency. So I was a little shocked when I was asked to be 2nd counselor in the Young Women's. Of course I said yes. But I would be lying if I said I was not intimidated. Teenagers have frightened me ever since I stopped being one. Wait, not true. Teenage GIRLS have frightened me. I get along swimmingly with all the teenage boys in the ward. We joke and I have them babysit Carter and they are easy to talk to. It was a harder transition with the girls because I really did not know any of them. I was not sure how to relate to them or what I had to offer them. I am still learning this. I am still breaking the barriers that girls put up so much so than the boys. I am still learning who they are and what makes them tick. They are still feeling me out too. I can truly say I like each one of them. More and more so each time we meet. They are unique...the majority of them being very mild mannered and even tempered. I can't wait to get to know them more. I can tell they have a lot to offer me. I hope I can say the same about myself, in regards to them.

After church Carter and I drove home. Josh stayed for choir. He goes to church for meetings at 7:30 and 8:00 and then stays after for choir. I sometimes question if he is human:). Anyhow. Carter was complaining of death by starvation the entire ride home. I assured him he was indeed going to survive the 20 minute drive. He did not believe me because he reminded me every few seconds of his impending doom. Arriving home I quickly scrounged up lunch. No, I did not have a crock pot simmering with a delicious meal. I did not have a casserole in the oven. I basically failed at Sunday dinner yesterday. I hate to admit that I warmed up two frozen burritos for each of us (yes, cringe, but when you are starving they can be quite delectable). Luckily I did have a fresh, individual sized, chef salad in the fridge that Carter and I split to go along with our microwaved (in no way good for you) entree.

While settling down to eat Carter disappeared into the kitchen. Only two bites in and I hear a loud thump on the ground a very panicked cry from Carter. He came running into me screaming, "mommy, mommy, mommy" while holding his hand. I assumed he pinched or smashed a finger and wrapped him up for a healing hug. The hug didn't work. Now something was wrong. I pull him free from me and see that his shirt is covered in blood. Now my brain is on alert as I panic just a titch inside and haul him as fast I can into the bathroom before locating the source of the blood. Once the hand is under the cold water and everything is washed off I can see the blood is flowing very quickly from a nice, deep slit in his middle finger. If not under the water even for a second the blood floods his palm. I think to myself this may be too deep. I tell him to keep the cut under the cold water while I search frantically for a bandage, band-aid, gauze...NOTHING! Finally my eyes land on the box of panty liners. I wrap one around his finger and put pressure on it. The cut basically fills the liner up. More pressure. Finally I am able to pull the pad back with out blood gushing. Phew. The bleeding has stopped. We have saved a trip to the urgent care. I cut a liner in half and then tape it around his finger. I pull off his white shirt and throw it away. There is no way I am going to try and get the blood out of it.

Once Carter is settled on the couch I slip off my most favorite white skirt which has been dotted all over with tiny droplets of blood. I mourn just a little thinking it is the last time I get to wear it. I spray Melaleuca Pre-Spot all over the blood. Then I pour detergent right onto each of the spots and put it in a cold water soak. I am thrilled when I come back later that evening and not a spot of blood is visible.

After Josh gets home we crawl into bed. I read some. Right now I am reading "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand. It is thrilling and frustrating and captivating and heartbreaking. I read many passages to Josh about sharks in the water and squeal a little bit when a Great White Shark makes an appearance. I tell him about the Japanese soldiers and find myself getting very upset at them and upset at American soldiers who have tortured their captives. It is not okay. I am seeing a different side to war. I hate it.

Then we doze. We sleep for 2 hours!! Glorius Sunday nap!

After we wake up we hurry and get ready and drive the 20 minutes back to Sentatobia (where our church is. A town south of us) and then 15 minutes out into the country from there. We reach the Syme residence. They are great friends and have invited us over for a Super Bowl party. I am not even aware of who made it to the Super Bowl. All I know is that the Saints or the Cowboys did not. I chat, eat yummy food, catch the half time show, watch a few plays, chat some more, play with little Wyatt who is enthralled with my necklace. Carter runs around and play with Cecelia who is 6 months younger than him. They play very well together.Then as the clock passes 7:30 and reaches towards 8:00 I start to silently panic just a little because Carter is not in bed. So I round everything up and say thank you and leave before the Super Bowl is over. Who won?

Once home I rush Carter into bed and get back into mine to read some more. Yes, the book has my interest. I think about it whenever I am not reading it. I am thinking about it right now and wish I would stop typing so I can read some more. But that is when the coughing starts. Carter starts coughing so hard and is wheezing. He has a hard time catching his breath. I give him allergy meds and puffs from his inhaler. I rub vicks on his chest. Later I give him cough medicine. I am desperate for something to work. To stop the coughing and allow him to sleep. We pray. Then I pray some more. After several hours we are all finally able to sleep. I am concluding Carter is allergic to the animals at the Syme's house. That is the only thing I can think of. It came out of nowhere. He is asleep now and has been silent since closing his eyes. Thank the Heavens. One of the most difficult things I have encountered as parents is 1. potty training and 2. unstoppable coughing. Nothing is more exhausting. He came in during a coughing fit crying and said "I am just a kid and just don't feel good". It broke my heart because there was not a thing I could do to make it stop. I know that is the part of parenting that everyone hates. When you are helpless.

So that was my yesterday. A little good, a little bad. That is most of my days. I think none of it worthy to write about. But now that I have it down I see that it is. That was one of days that makes up our lives. Carter learned a lesson about not using sharp scissors to try and open a water bottle and that he should come to me first. I learned that I can take care of my hurt child and dress his wounds even if unconventionally. I can make his bleeding stop. I can get stains out of my favorite skirt. I have friends. I am always happy when Josh comes home. I have the Gospel. I love reading. I have an amazing bed. And prayers are answered :)

Lots of good things in my little day to days.

Little Hands

When I was a little girl, walking beside my mom on our various errands, I would often slip my hand into hers. Most often she would return my gesture with three hand squeezes. 1-2-3...I-Love-You. I later learned to return her squeezes with four of my own. 1-2-3-4...I-Love-You-Too.

Tonight I tucked Carter into his bed and read him two stories. Then we said prayers and shut off the light.  Instead of leaving him to fall asleep on his own, this time I laid beside him in the dark for a while. After a few minutes I felt his little hand slip into mine. Soon after, I felt three little squeezes. 1-2-3...I-Love-You. I returned his gesture with four of my own. 1-2-3-4...I-Love-You-Too.

I am reveling. Such a simple, sweet gesture passed down from my mom, to me, to my child. It completely made my night.

School Days: Kindergarten Update

So after a tad bit of roughness the first couple days...the second two weeks of Kindergarten have flown by! Carter has done fabulous and comes home happy every day! I have done fabulous and send him off happy every day! I don't know what I was crying about...ME time is AWESOME!

The school bus picks Carter up right outside our front door every morning at about 7:10. He is the last one picked up so they go right to school from our house. He loves riding the bus and is assigned the very front seat with 2 other little boys. They are so small that 3 of them fit in the big seat...how cute huh!

I pick him from school everyday at 2:20-2:40 depending on what time I make it to the car ride line. All the cars have to line up single file in the road until they bring all the kids out and line them up outside. Then they let the first set of cars in...I am guessing maybe 20-30 cars can fit per set. They load up all those cars and then let them leave...then let another set in until all the kids are gone. I considered sending him home on the bus but he would be the last kid dropped off and on the bus for more than an hour. I have guilt thinking about that so we have not tried it. Plus, I really quite like picking him up.

Each week so far they have focused on a letter. They started with "L"...then to "O"...and this week is "G". they learn the sounds and how to write them in upper and lower case. Then on Friday they can bring something from home that starts with that letter for "Show-n-Tell". For "L" Carter took a metal lunchbox with 2 cases to his LEGO Wii games inside. For "O" he took a little Star Wars figurine of Obi-Wan Kenobi (seriously O was hard to find something!).

Last week and this week they also have a color of the day where they need to come dressed in that color. Today was purple day. Carter does have a couple purple shirts. Tomorrow is pink day...I think that is the one color of shirt we are lacking.

Another fun memory for Carter is that the first full week of school they got to bring their Teddy Bears from  home on Thursday and let them have a sleepover at the school. Carter has a puppy from Build-a-Bear that he took. On Friday when the kids came to school all the stuffed animals were hiding! They had to search the classroom until they found their bear (puppy). Carter said his was hiding on a shelf. Then they went to the library and when they came back all of their bears were gone! So they went on a hunt to find them. They ended up in the lunchroom where all the bears were waiting to have a Teddy Bear Picnic. Carter loved it and I thought it was such a fun and cute idea.

Carter loves all of his new friends and tells me about them constantly. I sure know a lot about Logan, Mason, Landon, and Kredarious(sp?) for never having met them. Carter even came home with an award called "The King of Kindness" because he shared his glue with Mason. His teacher said he is always so good and she never has any trouble with him. (but Jaiden sounds like a holy terror and always gets his Bumble bee moved to the red spot and Tristan likes to hit and pull on Carter's ears) other than that it sounds like lots of fun and play.

Then today...after feeling so settled and really getting into the routine of things...I get a letter that says  due to high enrollment of Kindergartners they decided to hire a new teacher and Carter has been selected to move to the new classroom. I wanted to cry just a little bit when I read this. We get to meet the new teacher this Thursday and see his new classroom...so I hope and pray that I like the teacher and that the room is colorful...haha! I also hope one of his best friends moves with him.

For me...I love my new role of a mom with a school kid! I love getting up with him and getting him ready for school. I love packing his snack in the morning and making sure he has things he likes and a little surprise every now and then. I love getting his folder after school and seeing the work he has done and reading the letters from the school. I signed up for everything imaginable and joined the PTA. I will be helping with a book fair coming up in September and I am so excited to get to spend time at the school. I am also going to start going to his class on some Fridays and reading with the kids. I wish I could figure out a way to work at the school everyday...but just not as a teacher...as a helper or something:)

With all my free time you would think I get loads done. Nope. I do the same things I have always done when Carter was in tow...now I just do them by myself. And just because Carter is gone doesn't mean I all of the sudden love cleaning the house the entire day and preparing extravagant meals...much to Josh's chagrin. Sorry sweetie...that is more of a personality trait that I just wasn't born with. Maybe in the next life.

Life is good.

Man of the Hour

Interview taking place in real time..as I type.
    (Scene: I am sitting on my bed with the laptop and Carter is laying sideways on the bed entangling his feet and arms..already in his jammies)

Me: Excuse me sir, please state your full name:      
    Carter: C. A. R. T. E. R. (spelled it out)

Me: Is that your first or middle name?
    Carter: First..is that right?

Me: What is your full name?
    Carter: I can't do it.

Me: Is it Joshua Carter Van Noy?
    Carter: yes, but I can't spell that.

Me: How are you today?
    Carter: Good! I'm Good!!

Me: Did anything exciting happen today?
    Carter: Yes!! I lost my first tooth!

Me: How did that make you feel?
    Carter: Happy!

Me: Were you nervous?
    Carter: A little bit....AND my other tooth right by the tooth that is nowhere is almost going to come out...the big one. Am I not old yet?

Me: Well I think you are getting pretty old. Can you stop growing?
    Carter: No...I can never. If I eat good food I can grow...if I eat bad food I will get small. In primary I learned that.

Me: Well maybe I should only feed you bad food from now on so you can stay small.
     Carter: Are you just kidding?

Me: What is your favorite movie to watch right now?
     Carter: My mouth can say this really fast so you might not can hear it. (and he spits out Tom and Jerry and Spongebob really fast so it is almost unrecognizable...haha) Haunted Mansion and Jimmy Neutron are also added to the list.

Me: Do you have any friends?
     Carter: yeah...Ethan, Charley Kate, Carson, Nathan, and Dew Drop.

Me: Who is Dew Drop?
      Carter: (giggling) Dew Drop is Carson's middle name. Wait no...Dew Drop is not Carson's middle name...he is a new kid and he is my best friend.

Me: So...who is Dew Drop really?
     Carter: Dew Drop, Dew Drop, Dew Drop...hmmm...Dew Drop is his last name and Laney is his middle name and Alex is his first name.

Me: Will I be able to meet him sometime?
     Carter: Ummm...if you can find him....because he is actually always behind his mom. So you have to look behind all the moms to see if you can find him. And you don't know what his mom or dad looks like. I know his Dad's name. Oh I forgot.

Me: Oh how old are you?
     Carter: I am five and I just lost a tooth!

Me: When is your birthday?
     Carter: June 6th.

Me: What is your favorite thing to do?
      Carter: Play the Wii and watch TV and play with my best friends when they come over aaaannnd sometimes I like playing with my toys and sometimes I snuggle up with my mommy. snuggle up snuggle up snuggle up (said in a funny voice) and O.V. E. but don't type that.

Me: What is your favorite Wii game?
      Carter: Indiana Jones and Spongebob  (at this point he is a wearing a small wire garbage can on his head and is fidgeting madly)

Me: What is your favorite food?
      Carter: oooh Sushi...heeheehee I don't like sushi.

Me: If you could only eat one more food what would it be?
      Carter: mmmmm Spaghetti and Meatballs

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
      Carter: A store shop...Wal-Mart.

Me: you want to be Wal-Mart?
      Carter: I work at Wal-Mart

Me: What do you think you will do at that job?
      Carter: get money  (well said)

Me: Do you want to be done with this interview?
      Carter: No. My mommy helps me get dressed and she plays with me and she always gets in the shower when she wakes up. Are you typing that? Typing whatever I say? I like going to my friend's house. And I like going to McDonald's but it makes me fat. And draw. And color and play with my toys. And I like getting Mohawks. Aaaaannnnd. And that is all. I don't have anything in here. I am done.

Me: Okay thank you!
      Carter: Goodbye (and then he sung a little ending theme song)

haha. Fun boy. My boy. I love you.

The Boy

Carter, Carter, Carter. So much energy and life bundled into a sturdy little body. He has suddenly had a growth spurt both upward and outward. He is all of the sudden very thick and dense. Seriously, it just happened one day...no gradual increase or anything...just "poof" he is bigger now. He is heavy and isn't easy to lift. I went to pick him up the other day and realized I should be picking him up as often as possible and doing repetitions with him. I think he weighs about 41 lbs. This change has been the impetus for comments of him being a brute and a football player. I get laughs when I say he is in gymnastics. I laugh, too, watching him. He certainly does not have the build of a gymnast but he does have great athletic ability. He is actually quite good at gymnastics and gets the skills down more quickly than the 3 little girls in his class. He can roll and flip and run and jump. His balance is great and got laughs out of everyone watching when he jumped from one balance beam to the other without so much as a wobble. So it will be interesting to see where he progresses to and what he actually becomes fond of and wants to pursue.

The fact that this boy is always hungry might have something to do with it. His appetite is insatiable. I will feed him lunch and within 15 minutes he will claim starvation has set in. We have had to have many discussions about eating and when we eat and why. As a mom it is hard for me because there are times when he gets upset because he says he is really hungry and wants something but I know he just ate. So it tears me sometimes trying to decide if I should let him eat something else or have him wait. Usually I explain he will have to wait until it is time to eat again and distract him with an activity. I seriously do not like this part of life.

Carter is very social. I like seeing this part of him because I was so shy and reserved. I never ran up to kids and asked them to play with me. I still don't:) Lucky for me, I was often the kid who got ran up to and asked to play. Still am:) I always said yes because I was too shy to say no. So I had to play with someone whether I wanted to or not if they asked me.

Carter is on the look out for a friend wherever we go. The other day we were at JoAnn's craft store..or is it fabric? Anyway, he eyed an older boy. I am estimating the age of the boy to be about 8. I watched Carter do his sizing up and staring the kid down. He test drove him a little bit...like a "warming" up if you will. Then once the boy responded positively Carter talked non-stop and had the boy following him wherever he went...which was usually about 12 steps behind me. He chattered the entire time as each boy took turns showing each other "cool" things off the shelves. Carter broke away for a minute and ran over to me and exclaimed, "Mom! I made a new friend!" and then turned and ran back. I knew it was coming...a few minutes later Carter brings the boy up to me and says, "This is my mom!" and gestures towards me like I am a prize in the Showcase Showdown. I smile because Carter is still proud of me and not embarrassed of me...yet. I laugh because the response of each new friend is always the same. They stand there awkwardly and stare at me. Usually for a couple seconds too long. Then they take off back to whatever they were doing.

Carter is loving and kind but he can get a little competitive and wants to be #1 and "the best" which can drive me nutty if I am listening to his banter with another child. I try and tell him everyone can be the best...but he doesn't fall for that. He will tell me I am wrong and that he is "The King". He has a little sassy mouth which can be embarrassing when used on another adult. My jaw drops often as I am in awe of his audacity, as I would NEVER have sass mouthed an adult when I was younger. I cured that when I was a teenager though.

Carter loves to play board games and will ALWAYS be up for a round or two if presented to him. Some of favorites right now are Hi Ho Cherry-O, Operation, and Cranium Cariboo. He likes to cheat though so keep a close eye on him.

Graphic novels and comic books are his interest at the library. However, he will still let me read cute picture books and will laugh his head off when his daddy reads to him in funny voices. A favorite book right now is "Joe on the Go" by Peggy Perry Anderson. It is cute but I am convinced Josh's narrating skills can make any book a favorite.

Carter still loves playing on the computer and really likes any chance to play any gaming system. We have a Gamecube that I bought super cheap. I wanted a system that I wouldn't worry about getting damaged but still offered entertainment should we need it on a rainy day. For Carter's age the Gamecube has been perfect. He loves it. He doesn't over-do it on playing it...maybe once a week for an hour or so. So, it hasn't been a problem in our home as far as "time consuming" or having it be the only thing he wants to do.

Lately Carter has also gotten good at playing with toys. I used to think toys were pointless things but now Carter actually gets toys out and plays by himself for at least an hour or so at a time. I love to hear his imaginary conversations and adventures going on down on the floor. Some of his favorite toys right now are Mighty Beanz, marbles, and Littlest Pet Shop. I wish they didn't make LPS so girly. Boys like animals too and have fun playing with the sets and all that stuff. Yet everything is so purple and pink and floofy. Makes it hard for Josh to allow:)

I could go on and on and on. But I better stop now because I do know that while I could read about Carter for days...I have already gone over my time limit when it comes to others.

I love you Carter. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You keep me on my toes and astound me on a daily basis. My life is amazing because you are in it.

In Retrospect

It has been 4 years and I have come a long way.

This post is looking back on the journey I have taken since becoming a mother. It is deeply personal but something I felt like I wanted to write about and record.

I know many of you will read this and might be able to understand but not empathize. When it comes to motherhood I guess you can say I feel like a misfit. Like I never quite joined the circle and fit in emotionally, physically, spiritually. I became a mother, so I was there, but to me it felt more like watching others to see how I was supposed to be feeling rather than how I was truly feeling.

The first few months postpartum I got ransacked with the comment/question, "Isn't being a mother the best thing in the entire world?!?! Could you ever imagine it would be this wonderful?!" I would usually smile politely or nod my head in agreement because that was what I was supposed to do. But in my head I was screaming and frustrated because I was not feeling those feelings. What I wanted to say was, "No! This isn't the best thing in the world. I am dying here. This is HARD. I don't sleep. I do not have even a moment of time to gather my thoughts. I am walking through life feeling like a zombie right now."

Here is the thing, I could definitely imagine how wonderful it was supposed to be. The visions, dreams, and plans I had before I gave birth were what I was supposed to be feeling and living. I disappointed myself in multiple ways and it was hard to face the fact that I was not the mother I had always imagined I was. I always told anyone who asked that I was going to have 12 kids. A big house full of kids and one that would never be empty because grand kids would start coming before my youngest even graduated from school. I imagined being very disciplined in my parenting and knowing the right way to do everything. I already knew all the things I would NEVER do...only to have several of those done and done over and over again before the first week of Carter's life had even passed. Most of things I would NEVER do, well...I guess you could say they were actually things I would ALWAYS do. :)

I have always been happy for my friends who were joyous right from the start. I wish that was me. I would never wish the feelings I went through on anybody. It was a hard time. It is a time that still scares me. I am pretty much terrified of going through that again. Part of me does not want to do it all again. To just stop while I am ahead because I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can make it out a second time. This may seem extreme, that is because it is. It was that bad. I was able, for the most part, to put on a face and "fake it till you make it". I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted people to think I was being a good mom. So I pretended as best I could. So most people who were around me at the time might not even realize most of this. I did share a lot of this way back at the beginning of blogging in a post. I am glad I did because made a friend out of it:) It also helped me realize I am not alone. There are other mother's out there who have had these feelings. Hormones play a huge role in this. It took an extremely long time for my body to even out again. I don't know why? But like I mentioned in the past post, it took a full 18 months before I actually noticed a physical change starting to take place. It felt like a big heaviness was starting lift off my chest. Happiness started creeping back in. Finally.

So, I guess you can say motherhood has been something I have had to grow into. It has taken a lot of adjusting, crying, praying, and self-talk. Seriously, if you do not talk to yourself. Maybe you should. And I don't mean out loud but by all means if you need to talk out loud go for it. You might also call it pondering. I make sure to take time to think things out, ponder, and realize what is important and what is not. I self-evaluate and set goals. I can talk myself out of feeling bad a lot of times. And that has made a huge difference. It really does work.

What excites me about writing this post is the fact that I can say that I think I have made it! I no longer have to look at other moms and wonder what I am supposed to be feeling. Now I have those feelings. They finally caught up with me...or I finally caught up with them, I think maybe they have always been there but I had to get through the clutter before I could feel them.

This last year, especially, has been HUGE! Watching Carter grow and change and become the little person he is has been thrilling. My heart swells and explodes several times a day as I just look on as he lives his little life right now. I think my love for Carter has grown exponentially in the past year and it just keeps multiplying. I love my little boy. He is my best little friend. And he is so naughty. Haha...but so sweet at the same time. As hard as this is to say, at the beginning I wanted things back to normal. Just me and Josh. I needed things to go back to how they were because I could handle that. I loved Carter as my baby but I guess at the time I couldn't handle the change. Which I hate saying. It makes me feel like I am weak. Like I am bad/evil/mental. I know it was something so much more than that just going on inside of me and I was not myself. It was not my fault. But I still dislike it.

But now, my life only makes sense with Carter in it. We spend every minute of every day together and I LOVE it. There are those times when I just need a moment of alone time. When I beg Josh to please take Carter for a walk or let me go to the store alone but those moments are few and far between compared to what they used to be. Carter and I get along just fine. We play and go lots of places. He usually gets to be the Captain and chart out the plan. Yes, he is spoiled. Yes, he believes the world in fact revolves around him. Because it is true, my world does revolve around him. I love age 3 and so far I love age 4 but I do not like age 5. I want Carter to stop growing, pronto! I want him to stay my little boy and it is all going by too fast.

The other night Carter fell asleep while we were watching a movie. In a rare moment, I picked him up and laid him on my chest and just held him for about an hour while he slept. It has been a long time since I have done that. I wanted to imprint that feeling. His little body. His smell. I wanted time to stop and allow me to always be able to hold him. I imagined him as a man, like his daddy, and wanting to hold him again but not being able to. Because I can't imagine that the feelings I had right then ever change. Do they? Just because they grow up? I imagine I will always want to hold my little boy just like I did that night. But life goes on and he will grow up and unless you want a book written about you, you don't crawl into your grown son's window at night and hold him. Yeah Katy, you are right...a little creepy. haha.

I feel great. I am so happy. Life is seriously so good right now. Josh and I keep looking at each other...like we are waiting for the ball to drop. Like, what have we done to be so blessed? But I try everyday to take my life with gratitude, not for granted.

People keep asking and even saying things like, "when you have your next child". To be honest. I am in no hurry. I am enjoying ever minute with my little family and love that I can give Carter so much time and attention. I have moments of being completely baby hungry and wanting another. But I am okay with the fact that I move at a slower pace.

I really hope no one cringes at me when they read this. I hope it is read with understanding. I hope no one judges me for not having those same feelings, or maybe the same intensity of those feelings, that other moms have instantly. It is not something I chose. I would never have picked for things to go the way they did. I wanted so badly to be like the other mothers I knew. To swoon and exclaim , "YES!" when asked if being a mom was the best thing ever. I know it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me but I hope for the health of society that issues like this are looked upon with more sensitivity and less criticism.

I wish there was more awareness of postpartum depression and resources for mothers who are dealing with it. While it was discussed and I was educated on it before giving birth, after the fact you can feel abandoned. My doctor gave me some pills but that was the extent of it. It was so much more than that and I would have liked somewhere to turn, some place to go. Thankful for my husband who stood by my side and took care of me and Carter when I couldn't. He is my hero. For my mom who dropped everything to be there when I needed her. They were the only ones I let in at the time and I am grateful they accepted the invitation as if it were no big deal to pick up the slack.

So, in retrospect, nothing worked out like I had always imagined. But what in life actually does? I have come a long way and I am so grateful that I made it to the place that I am in now. I pray it only continues to get better here on out as I grow into my role as a mother. Though I have come a long way, I have longer to go. There is so much that can be improved upon. Which is actually encouraging because that means I have a place to go and things will only get better. The road started out bumpy but right now it is pretty smooth sailing.

So is being a mother the best thing ever you ask? Yes. Yes, it really is.