I announced on Facebook several weeks ago. I don't think I have readers here that do not follow me on Facebook so I delayed posting it here...but I am pregnant. After 6.5 years, ok well 5 years, because Carter's first year of life was definitely NOT spent trying to conceive, I am pregnant. I was in total shock when I saw the pink line show up on my Dollar Tree pregnancy test. After several years of negative tests you learn quickly that the dollar store will do. ( the expensive Clear Blue Easy test that I posted on Facebook was purchased specifically to use for announcing) I believe I kept saying, "WHAT?" and "Oh my gosh" on a loop for several minutes until I was able to walk out into our bedroom and tap a sleeping Josh on the shoulder.
He slowly peeked up at me through heavy eyes. I whispered, " I am pregnant." He smiled and immediately was snoring again. Hmmm...now what do I do? So much excitement all at once to just lay down and go to sleep. So I wandered to the living room where I opened the laptop and heard the beeping sound that somebody else was awake and wanted to chat with me. Julie! So after 2 seconds of finding out, I could no longer hold it in and told her!
A week or so later my sister announced on Facebook that she was expecting as well. Her baby due one month before mine. The excitement was to much and even though I had thought I was going to wait until I was at least 12 weeks along before I announced, I followed suite and announced the very next day. The response was heartwarming and I absolutely love all the well wishes and the excitement that was shared from others. It totally made my day.
The next day I had my first doctor's appointment. I really was not sure how far along I was. I could not pin point an exact date or time that was needed for such calculations which led to an ultrasound being ordered.
I was very excited to see my baby and have it seem "real". As the ultrasound tech moved the wand over my tummy I immediately saw the dark circle that is the gestational sac. But then my heart stopped. It was empty. The tech told me not to worry so quickly because this could just mean I am just really early in my pregnancy. She calculated just 5 weeks. I was a little stunned because I had known for over a week or two that I was pregnant...which means I found out basically at conception. Sheesh. So the doctor had me come into his office and told me that he could not weigh out a miscarriage and if in the next couple of days I saw bleeding then I was to come in immediately. My face fell and he told me not to worry that it could just mean I was so early. Okay great...mention miscarriage and then say not to worry. And that is possible when? ...never. So I left the office deflated. I couldn't believe that I got so excited just to be told I shouldn't have. However, I decided to keep quiet until my next ultrasound...after all...100 people just celebrated with me on Facebook...how could I turn around the next day and say, "Just kidding...maybe next year!". I couldn't.
So I waited t w o loooong w e e k s at which time I went back in for another ultrasound. I had no bleeding or any signs anything was wrong during the wait and pregnancy symptoms were in full swing. So when the wand was once again placed on my tummy and I could see the little peanut in the sac I was not surprised...I knew it was there! And there was the heart! Beating nice and strong. I measured at 7 weeks 4 days and they gave me a due date of July 18th. I think that sounds like a perfect birthday! They gave me a little picture of our beebee and it earned its rightful spot on the fridge.
That brings us to last night. Everything has been going fine. I have been extremely tired, having major food aversions, and not really feeling up to doing a whole lot but staying at home.
***WARNING*** if you do not want to hear about bodily fluids or blood you should not continue reading. Stop now. I warned you.
Yesterday evening I decided 2 days post shower might be 2 days too long and hopped in to make myself presentable enough to venture out to get a Subway sandwich...which was the ONLY thing I could consider eating at the moment. After getting dressed I all of the sudden feel a kind of wooosh of fluid. So of course I inspect ...and my jaw drops. I am stunned by a small puddle of bright red blood. "oooh noooo" I said..."shoot!" "shoot!" "shoot!". This was my response as I sat myself on the toilet. What else do you do in the situation? I had just saw something I feared and hoped not to see for the next 9 months. I was immediately crushed and yelled for Josh.
Josh came in and cringed when I showed him what was going on. I told him I was too scared to look in the toilet and would not move from that spot.. So he looked for me. Seriously...can someone send this guy an award! He said it looked pretty bad. Okay...take the award away. Ever heard of lying? I could tell he was immediately crushed too. So he called the doctor for me and we were told to head up to Memphis to the Women's Hospital. I was not sure how I was going to make it...but after layering garbage bags and towels on the car seat I got in and we made it up there in stinking rush hour traffic. I said of prayer of thanks that there was not a wreck (which happens daily in rush hour) because I would have panicked.
At the hospital Josh got me a wheel chair and wheeled me up to labor and delivery. After waiting for several long minutes they took me back and told Josh he could come back in 10-15 minutes. :( Seriously...this guy just looked into a blood filled toilet...there is nothing back here that he can't see. I hated that I had to leave him but went along with it. The nurse was not kind or gentle or sympathetic. She was old and callused and obviously has been doing this job way too long to have any feelings about it and to stop and think that I am a mother with lots of emotions that might need a little bit of human caring. Instead she had me lay down and told me lift my bum while she put a jumbo sized pad/diaper on me. Wow. You seriously cannot feel anymore helpless when that happens. I kind of laughed inside that his was happening. I was just diapered. By a non-feeling lady. She wasn't mean...she just wasn't...anything. As she rattled off a million questions about how many STDs and immune disorders I might have, she would stop and be completely silent when I couldn't answer because I was bawling my eyes out. I don't know what else I wanted her to do...but I think an "it is okay sweetie, take all the time you need," would have made me feel just a little bit better.
She finally called Josh to come back at which time I conveniently had to use the restroom. So I had to waddle out in the hall barefoot, diapered, wearing a gown flapping open in the back. So I grabbed the sheet off my bed and wrapped it around me for a skirt. This was silly. This was nonsense. And this was awesome that no one else was in the hallway to see such a sight. "Don't flush if you see any clots or tissue so I can come look at them!" she yelled to me as I waddled down the hall. "Love you too!" I called back before locking myself in the solace of the bathroom. I did my business and luckily did not see any clots or tissue because the last thing I wanted was Miss Feelings to come look said business.
As I slipped back into the room Josh came in and helped me back into bed and covered me up. And all was right in the world again. What would I do without him?
The nurse said she was going to call the doctor and I never saw her again. And I hope I never do. I am sure she is someone's cup of tea but she sure was not mine. Enter Katie...a spunky nurse with lots of eye make-up and chunky, spiky black hair. I instantly loved her. She was kind and friendly and made me feel instantly at ease. She came in and introduced herself and ask if she could please look at my pad before calling the doctor. I told her only if she really, really wanted to and she laughed and said she really did and hoped I would never have to hear that request again in my lifetime. Bosom buddies.
Finally, and this is a couple of hours later, the on-call doctor from my OB office came in. Dr. Keegan. I had never met her before but she was very kind and warm. Another diaper inspection and thumbing through my various parts for cuts took place. Then an ever pleasant examination of my cervix which the doctor was very happy to report that it was still tightly closed. She said this was a great sign because my cervix had not dilated to expel the fetus. But this leaves them with no answers of where all the blood is coming from. So I have to wait to be taken into the ultrasound room. ....2 hours later...
Waiting in a small room with no windows, no TV, no magazines, no nothing is VERY hard. I hounded Josh several times as to why he left the house without the Nexus. We could have played Angry Birds for the past two hours! However, the ultrasound tech finally arrived and once again I was wheeled to another room. The ultrasound room was huge and lovely. Much more comfy than the cube we were stuck in for several hours. I got onto the bed for my 3rd ultrasound in my 9 weeks of pregnancy. She found our little Blueberry...it is still there!!! And its heart was just a flashing as good as can be on the screen. What a good heart beater our kid is!! I was actually completely surprised. I expected it to be gone. I expected no heartbeat. And then the tech turned on the sound and there it was. The most beautiful sound on earth. She then searched and searched and dug the wand ever so hard into my abdomen. I cringed and grasped the side of the bed. Pretty sure she was trying to actually bury the wand inside of me. I was lucky enough to also get a trans-vaginal ultrasound right after that. Those are so much fun. They stick this big wand in you and twist it around and take pictures of your ovaries and they twist it so far to the side I am certain it is going to pop out of the side of my thigh. But then quickly changes directions to where I am certain I saw the tip of the wand protruding through my abdomen. So much fun. You should all try it.
"AHA!" the tech exclaimed..."I finally found it!" the source of the bleeding. It looks like I have a blood clot between the gestational sac and the uterine wall. It seems the sac had become detached in some places.
This is very common in early pregnancy they tell me. And of course it can go one of two ways. The one we are hoping for is that the sac will reattach itself and everything will be fine. The other possibility is that it will detach completely which means I will lose the baby. They cannot tell which way it will go. So I am ordered to strict bed rest. Hopefully not moving as much as possible will allow better odds for reattachment. So I am heeding the advice. I have been in bed ALL day! I did move from bed to the bathtub for 15 minutes but the right back to the bed.
BORING!! But if it saves my baby then I will do it for 100 years straight.
So that is where we are at. I am writing from bed. They are having me come back in for another ultrasound on Monday. So we will see what it looks like then. So for now I am not moving and just praying and hoping this little babe attaches and all is well. The baby did measure at 9 weeks so it grew right on track from my 7 week ultrasound. I am so proud of it! And I feel so bad that it is alive and jumping around but that the sac might not hold up. It is not the poor babes fault! So come on sac...attach!!
So prayers are appreciated as I spend long hours in this bed...good thing it is comfy...but after not even 24 hours I am already tired of it. So do me a favor and blog and post on Facebook so you can keep me entertained will ya!!
I have faith that things will work out exactly how they are supposed to be. But that does not mean I will not be completely crushed and saddened if they do not work out the way I hope for. But in the end everything will be ok .