Heart and Soul

So...I am sitting in my sister's apartment (which makes my job of being the property manager that much easier because I can have a presence on the property much more often) and I thought I should write down some feelings I have been having as of late.

On Saturday we woke up and packed the car and drove to Salt Lake. To my dismay I was the only one in the car driving back home. I said goodbye to Josh and Carter at the airport as they boarded a quick flight down to Las Vegas. They made it down there before I could even make it home!!! Carter was soooo excited, in fact he jumped right into his stroller and buckled it up because he knew an adventure awaited him. He wouldn't even let me take him out of the stroller to squeeze him to pieces before he left...however he did lift his chin and give me a big kiss and waved and said, "bye! bye!"

Let me explain...every year we have Thanksgiving in Las Vegas. Two of Josh's sisters live there with their families and his parents live in St. George...so that is where the rest of us head for the holiday. It is always so nice and so much fun to see everyone. However, this year I had to stay back. We have just taken on a new property (42 apartments) that is in dire need of help and it was just too risky for both of us to go off and leave. Not to mention the fact that my professors take delight in making huge papers due the Monday after the Thanksgiving break...therefore, I have found myself in need of time to write 3 papers, watch and write a movie review, get together with group members to work on our project, volunteer and observe in a classroom, go to a class and teach them a song and then write a review and present it....keeping in mind this is all due Monday!! While I so much wanted to go have a Vegas Vacation...I just could not see how it was even possible for me to leave for a week to go. However, that is the only time all of Josh's family is together so I could not even think of asking him to miss it to stay home with me...and of course they all want to see Carter...so I put them on a plane....and now they are there and I am here.....all alone.

Okay....not all alone...Katie is still in town for one more night (and she lives in our basement for the time being)....so tonight we totally get to have a girls night...which NEVER happens, but she is going home tomorrow and then I will be ALL ALONE!!!.....for the first time in....pretty much EVER!! (okay....I hope some creepy stalker isn't reading this...and if they are I really hope they don't know where I live...and if they happen to know any of you and they call you on the phone and ask you where I live...DON'T tell them)....you see...never having lived alone...or left alone for really more than 24 hours...has left me not able to really be alone without scaring the living daylights out of myself!!!! Yesterday I was at the Redbox in Smith's waiting in line to rent a movie and I said "What is Mr. Brooks?" (which is the title of a movie) and this big guy standing next to me overheard me and said oh that is a really good movie about a serial killer....so I just turned and walked away...out of the store....that is the last thing I needed!!

It is interesting being alone. When I am alone I suddenly become very aware of myself...of me. Who am I and what do I do alone? How do I act? I don't even really know that part of me. What do I do without Josh there with me or Carter to take care of? Okay....so of course I have times during the day when I am alone...say in the next room reading or driving in the car. But my aim and purpose is usually focused towards other people. So now I find myself with an abundance of freedom which is exhilarating and lonely at the same time. I have realized that Josh is my Soul(mate) and Carter is my heart....(*hence the title of this entry) all of which life just cannot be lived without. The night before we left I got all hysterical (please refer to my previous blog)..which I can totally blame on me having uterus (but really it was because it was late and all I needed was a good nights sleep to clear my mind) anyhow...I started thinking Josh and Carter would go away and I would never see them again...and then my world would end...and anyways...I was just being silly and Josh was just snoring at me...so in the morning I was actually somewhat anticipating having a week to myself...I vowed to go see a movie every night...which I haven't done yet....but tomorrow is a new day and I am going to live it up while buried under mounds of responsibility.

So...this blog seems to be mess and not making clear sense...but I just wanted to write a little bit because this is seriously a very big deal and very new experience I am having at the present. I am sure you will hear more from me...in the mean time...I will be at the spa...getting a massage and manicure and having a guy named Fabricio exfoliate my feet.