I wasn't thrilled when I found out I was pregnant, shocked yes, excited...no.
What kind of person am I?
Carter was well over 6 years old. After several years of not conceiving I had simply moved on. I figured it wasn't in my plan and had gotten used to the fact that Carter was my only child. I was well past the baby stage and we were onto grade school, and sports, sleeping long hours at night;), etc. Life was so good. So easy. I was enjoying my freedom while Carter was at school. I was able to get office work done and try out new ventures of my own. I was starting to explore who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do during the hours my boys were not with me.
Then I started craving bean dip from the Mexican restaurants. I have never craved bean dip.
So...I peed on stick. Instantly life changed.
When people would exclaim such things as, "Yay! Are you so excited?!" I would say, "Yes, of course!" but inside I was kind of moaning and saying, "ummm no, not really." You see, I had done this once before. I remember the horrible postpartum phase, the pain of recovery, the pneumonia I contracted, the dark depression, the absence of sleep, unsuccessful breastfeeding, and the intense guilt from everything I was undoubtedly doing wrong from day 1. Oh yes, I remembered and I was scared out of my mind.
I remember countless nights, lying in bed in the dark and just praying. I would just pray to have the normal feelings a mom should have. I would pray to love my baby. Josh and I would pray together to transition smoothly into parenting a newborn again.
God answers prayers.
None of the feelings I prayed for came until the moment I laid eyes on my baby boy. Then all of the sudden I was flooded and completely overwhelmed with love for this little baby that I carried around for 9 months. His eyes locked onto mine and that was all it took. This was new. I don't know why, but I did not have those feelings when I gave birth to Carter. It took me a long time to have that flood. It DID come...it just took longer. I knew I loved Carter but for reasons unknown my body did not adjust well the first time around and many things made it a very difficult transition. It was very hard for me to experience that, especially when all of the other moms around me were saying, "Isn't being a mom the best thing in the world?!?" I couldn't relate to that for many, many months.
So, naturally I thought I was a mom that did not love the newborn stage. I had heard other moms say that before and I guessed I was one of them.
Cannon proved me wrong. I have pretty much loved every minute of this little boy's 3 months of life. I have loved, loved his newborn-ness. I love his little body and little sounds. The way he is learning to work his body. The way he looks at me and I can tell he thinks I am the best thing in the world. The way he snuggles into me and the way he smells. I love breastfeeding him. This is another thing I prayed for. It didn't work with Carter. That was a tough pill to swallow as well. Feeding your baby formula is like giving them a death sentence. This time around has been a dream. I don't understand how it has gone so well. I have not had sore or cracked nipples at all, no latching issues, the only thing I worried about was my supply. I don't have an over abundance and I took supplements to increase it but I have just what he needs and for that I am thankful. He makes my days bright and happy. I don't mind even a bit to wake up at 2:30 or 4:30 to his cries for me to come feed him. I look forward to playing with him during the day and having him coo at me. I love watching him grow and only wish it wouldn't go so fast.
I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows me and is in charge. I am thankful for his timing in my life. It is not the timing I imagined or would have chosen but it is the timing that is right for us.
I wish my first experience with a newborn was as magical but it wasn't, so I am grateful for the opportunity to do this again.
I know some may read this and maybe feel sorry for Carter. But our bond came and the 7 years we spent together...just him and us... sealed that bond tight. He was my only child for so long and I treasure all those moments we had with just him. We had many adventures together and he got to be the center of attention for a long time. I love him. In fact, I had a hard time thinking I could love another baby the way I love him. But was possible;) It is true what they say...love multiplies.
There is a time and season for everything and I am so happy to still be in the season of newborns! There will be time for me later. Right now I am cherishing my little blessings that grow too
So now if you ask me, "Isn't being a mom the best thing in the world?" I would respond with a great, big YES!