Raining Petals

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Let Me Be Honest For a Minute...

I wasn't thrilled when I found out I was pregnant, shocked yes, excited...no.

What kind of person am I?

Carter was well over 6 years old. After several years of not conceiving I had simply moved on. I figured it wasn't in my plan and had gotten used to the fact that Carter was my only child. I was well past the baby stage and we were onto grade school, and sports, sleeping long hours at night;), etc. Life was so good. So easy. I was enjoying my freedom while Carter was at school. I was able to get office work done and try out new ventures of my own. I was starting to explore who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do during the hours my boys were not with me.

Then I started craving bean dip from the Mexican restaurants. I have never craved bean dip.

So...I peed on stick. Instantly life changed.

When people would exclaim such things as, "Yay! Are you so excited?!" I would say, "Yes, of course!" but inside I was kind of moaning and saying, "ummm no, not really." You see, I had done this once before. I remember the horrible postpartum phase, the pain of recovery, the pneumonia I contracted, the dark depression, the absence of sleep, unsuccessful breastfeeding, and the intense guilt from everything I was undoubtedly doing wrong from day 1. Oh yes, I remembered and I was scared out of my mind.

I remember countless nights, lying in bed in the dark and just praying. I would just pray to have the normal feelings a mom should have. I would pray to love my baby. Josh and I would pray together to transition smoothly into parenting a newborn again.

God answers prayers.

None of the feelings I prayed for came until the moment I laid eyes on my baby boy. Then all of the sudden I was flooded and completely overwhelmed with love for this little baby that I carried around for 9 months. His eyes locked onto mine and that was all it took. This was new. I don't know why, but I did not have those feelings when I gave birth to Carter. It took me a long time to have that flood. It DID come...it just took longer. I knew I loved Carter but for reasons unknown my body did not adjust well the first time around and many things made it a very difficult transition. It was very hard for me to experience that, especially when all of the other moms around me were saying, "Isn't being a mom the best thing in the world?!?" I couldn't relate to that for many, many months.

So, naturally I thought I was a mom that did not love the newborn stage. I had heard other moms say that before and I guessed I was one of them.

Cannon proved me wrong. I have pretty much loved every minute of this little boy's 3 months of life. I have loved, loved his newborn-ness. I love his little body and little sounds. The way he is learning to work his body. The way he looks at me and I can tell he thinks I am the best thing in the world. The way he snuggles into me and the way he smells. I love breastfeeding him. This is another thing I prayed for. It didn't work with Carter. That was a tough pill to swallow as well. Feeding your baby formula is like giving them a death sentence. This time around has been a dream. I don't understand how it has gone so well. I have not had sore or cracked nipples at all, no latching issues, the only thing I worried about was my supply. I don't have an over abundance and I took supplements to increase it but I have just what he needs and for that I am thankful. He makes my days bright and happy. I don't mind even a bit to wake up at 2:30 or 4:30 to his cries for me to come feed him. I look forward to playing with him during the day and having him coo at me. I love watching him grow and only wish it wouldn't go so fast.

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows me and is in charge. I am thankful for his timing in my life. It is not the timing I imagined or would have chosen but it is the timing that is right for us.

I wish my first experience with a newborn was as magical but it wasn't, so I am grateful for the opportunity to do this again.

I know some may read this and maybe feel sorry for Carter. But our bond came and the 7 years we spent together...just him and us... sealed that bond tight. He was my only child for so long and I treasure all those moments we had with just him. We had many adventures together and he got to be the center of attention for a long time. I love him. In fact, I had a hard time thinking I could love another baby the way I love him. But was possible;) It is true what they say...love multiplies.

There is a time and season for everything and I am so happy to still be in the season of newborns! There will be time for me later. Right now I am cherishing my little blessings that grow too

So now if you ask me, "Isn't being a mom the best thing in the world?" I would respond with a great, big YES!


Jennifer said...

Wonderful photos!

I'm so glad things are going more smoothly the second time around.

Michelle said...

This is great. I feel validated in some of my own feelings. I feel like you stole my own thoughts and story to write this--minus the six year part and the nursing going better the second time part. I've only got 17 months in between, and nursing is still not going well. But everything else seemed to come out of my own heart and mind. I'm only ten days in with #2, but I am so glad for this new experience that I feel I missed out on the first time around. I'm so glad things are going so well for you! And thanks for writing this.

Casey Wootton said...

I feel the same way! I didn't have the immediate reaction to Atrion the way I did with Caius. I didn't have postpartum depression and my bond with Atrion came while I was still in the hospital room, but I remember holding him and expecting to feel something but I was still so traumatized from the labor. So I prayed everyday while pregnant with Caius that the labor would go smooth and that I would be able to breastfeed and that I would love him as much as I love Atrion. And it's true that prayers are answered and for that I am eternally grateful because as soon as Caius was out of me I felt that instant bond. The one that brings me to tears to think about. I am so happy that you can experience the newborn stage again and love it this time around. I am also happy that we are in it together and can talk to each other about it while going through it. I love you and your sweet little boys. You are an amazing mom.

Shane and Amy Jo said...

I love this and can relate in some ways. Not identical stories but still...lots to relate to. And I'm so happy to be doing it all over too...because it is oh SO GOOD! I am cherishing my time with my baby. It is going way too fast and I mourn over little things as they pass. Darling baby. I'm just so happy for you!

julie said...

The good news is, if you ever "get over" that baby, I'll take him. :)

Yay for blogging! You'll be so glad you wrote this down.

Jenete said...

Baby J did that too me as well, and the love only get's deeper. And he was such an easy baby maybe because he sensed that I was more at ease. But he has given me a run for my money the older he gets. K man was never this busy but Baby J is go all the time at high speed intervals!