And I am not talking about weight or this would be titled very differently.
The past few months have actually been really hard months for me internally...and physically. We dealt with pneumonia and bronchitis and laryngitis and it seemed like we were ill forever (Carter and me...Josh has been fine of course). I thought we were just struggling with bad allergies but finally after a month of coughing fits and feeling like I was constantly being ran over by a truck, I took both Carter and myself in and got antibiotics. Can I just get a "woot, woot" for modern medicine. Maybe there is some herbal remedy or natural concoction that would have gotten rid of our pneumonia...but if there is I don't know about it. The amoxicillin and azithromycin are what saved us and now allow me to feel like I am among the living. Hallelujah.
Maybe it was being physically sick that contributed to a major dip in my emotional well being. I felt like I might be hitting rock bottom. I was confused and couldn't figure out what was going on, why I was feeling that way. I was able to pull myself out of bed to help Carter get ready and see him off to school. But once he was gone and Josh was off to work the only thing I could manage was to crawl back under the covers and stay there. Many, many days I stayed there just until Carter needed to be picked up. Then I crawled out from my hole and retrieved him and tried to act normal for the rest of the evening. I am not proud of this. I am ashamed of all the wasted time. I have absolutely no reason to feel this way...yet I could not get control of my body. It may just be coincidence now that I am at the end of my antibiotics that my body is feeling better and I feel like I am able to be back in the game. I will blame it on that. I feel less guilty.
During this time I thought a lot and a lot and explained to Josh that I was having a hard time reconciling my smallness in life. It was hard to feel this way because most of the time I am so content and usually have a bursting with in my chest when I think about how much I love my little life. But one day it hit me pretty hard that I was nothing. I was small in such an expansive universe. On our tiny speck of an Earth I am even a smaller spec. What is the point? Why am I even here if I can't be large enough to accomplish the things I feel like I need to or can do to make a difference? To leave my mark? Why do some people on this Earth seem to get those chances but I can't figure it out how to get mine? Anyways...there was a lot self-pity going on. I have had moments of complete hopelessness. I have often felt like a "scam" after remembering my friend Anna saying I was someone she looked at and thought I had it all together. I laughed thinking about that a couple of times that if she could take a peek she would drop to her knees and say a prayer of gratitude that she was not me (she wouldn't actually do that...pretty sure she would want to help) but my whole point being...I have been low. Really low. The hardest part is I know in my mind I have so much, so, so much and have no reason to feel that way.
I feel great today! I am cleaning the house and packing for a fun little jaunt we are about to embark on.
I came across this blog post today and was relieved to see that I am not alone in my trials. That another lady I respect very much might have been feeling some of the things I have been feeling. Not that I would wish it on anybody...but it helped me feel like not such a freak...or a loser...or both.
Even if you aren't down in the dumps...read this! It is beneficial for everyone.