Raining Petals

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Reconciling My Smallness

And I am not talking about weight or this would be titled very differently.

The past few months have actually been really hard months for me internally...and physically. We dealt with pneumonia and bronchitis and laryngitis and it seemed like we were ill forever (Carter and me...Josh has been fine of course). I thought we were just struggling with bad allergies but finally after a month of coughing fits and feeling like I was constantly being ran over by a truck, I took both Carter and myself in and got antibiotics. Can I just get a "woot, woot" for modern medicine. Maybe there is some herbal remedy or natural concoction that would have gotten rid of our pneumonia...but if there is I don't know about it. The amoxicillin and azithromycin are what saved us and now allow me to feel like I am among the living. Hallelujah.

Maybe it was being physically sick that contributed to a major dip in my emotional well being. I felt like I might be hitting rock bottom. I was confused and couldn't figure out what was going on, why I was feeling that way. I was able to pull myself out of bed to help Carter get ready and see him off to school. But once he was gone and Josh was off to work the only thing I could manage was to crawl back under the covers and stay there. Many, many days I stayed there just until Carter needed to be picked up. Then I crawled out from my hole and retrieved him and tried to act normal for the rest of the evening. I am not proud of this. I am ashamed of all the wasted time. I have absolutely no reason to feel this way...yet I could not get control of my body. It may just be coincidence now that I am at the end of my antibiotics that my body is feeling better and I feel like I am able to be back in the game. I will blame it on that. I feel less guilty.

During this time I thought a lot and a lot and explained to Josh that I was having a hard time reconciling my smallness in life. It was hard to feel this way because most of the time I am so content and usually have a bursting with in my chest when I think about how much I love my little life. But one day it hit me pretty hard that I was nothing. I was small in such an expansive universe. On our tiny speck of an Earth I am even a smaller spec. What is the point? Why am I even here if I can't be large enough to accomplish the things I feel like I need to or can do to make a difference? To leave my mark? Why do some people on this Earth seem to get those chances but I can't figure it out how to get mine? Anyways...there was a lot self-pity going on. I have had moments of complete hopelessness. I have often felt like a "scam" after remembering my friend Anna saying I was someone she looked at and thought I had it all together. I laughed thinking about that a couple of times that if she could take a peek she would drop to her knees and say a prayer of gratitude that she was not me (she wouldn't actually do that...pretty sure she would want to help) but my whole point being...I have been low. Really low. The hardest part is I know in my mind I have so much, so, so much and have no reason to feel that way.

I feel great today! I am cleaning the house and packing for a fun little jaunt we are about to embark on.

I came across this blog post today and was relieved to see that I am not alone in my trials. That another lady I respect very much might have been feeling some of the things I have been feeling. Not that I would wish it on anybody...but it helped me feel like not such a freak...or a loser...or both.

Even if you aren't down in the dumps...read this! It is beneficial for everyone.



munge said...

I am so glad that you got the antibiotics for you and Carter and that you are feeling better. Did you both have walking pneumonia? Our physical well being does affect our mental well being, just as the opposite is true. Take care of yourself, sweetheart. I am glad you are coming out of the funk. I love you.

Shane and Amy Jo said...

I'm just proud of you for the fact that you have a desire to leave your mark! I honestly don't feel that drive...maybe because I feel that sense of insignificance too...and...let's be honest. I'm lazy. Making a difference takes too much work!! I'm sorry you've been feeling crappy. You are better than you think you are. That I know for sure. Even in your own tiny spec on the earth, you are inspiring. And.... "a person's a person, no matter how small." Thank you Dr. Seuss. Talk about inspiring!!!

Casey Marie said...

5 out of the 11 common symptoms for depression are physical. A lot of times people think that depression is just in their minds, but it does manifest itself physically.
Last month I was suffering a lot both physically and emotionally. The physical hurt exacerbated the emotional hurt. Like Mom said, it can be a cycle that is hard to get out of. I am glad you are coming out of it. I had to get medication to help me and I am not sure if I would have been able to do it without that. I prayed and felt Paxil was right for me again.
I don't want to be famous, but I would like to be recognized as making a difference, even if it's just in my own community. It's a dream I have. And I know your ambitions. You have amazing ideas and a good heart. If you can muster the motivation you can definitely make a mark in this world. Although, I think in your own way you already are. :) I love you!

julie said...

I don't understand how I talk to you several times a week and still don't sense any of this going on. What kind of friend am I?!? Talk about depressing. I'm sorry. I want to fix everything for you.

Lara said...

Satan. No.. Not you.. the one that's causing this. :)
Satan knows when we are feeling down or weak and of course will pounce on the opportunity to bring us down. When we're sick we're not feeling good in the first place and maybe our hormones are even a little out of whack. What perfect timing to get in your head and tell you that you'll never be who you want to be and never make a difference. You know he's only telling you this and working on you so hard because you can, in fact, make a difference, right?? Why would he bother if you weren't someone who would?
I came to realize this very thing after I had Haven and my hormones were screwy and I just couldn't figure out why everything seemed so gray. It came as a total revelation to me one day that God doesn't make us feel that way. Those feelings are not of or from Him. Only Satan discourages. Only satan fills our minds with doubts and fears and self-consciousness. Don't feed into it or he'll be happy to serve up more until you hand over the keys to him. I have found that if I listen to conference talks or spiritual music during the day that my mind and spirit is filled with inspired ideas to go and do and help and serve and I am lifted above the thoughts that otherwise could halt me from doing any good.
You're a kindred spirit and I know you only want good so don't let satan discourage you from spreading it! He's telling you you can't do the very thing that you were made to do. Show him who's boss Laura! Go Fight Win!! (enter Eye of the Tiger music here).. Xoxo

Ashley and Dave said...

I feel this way too sometimes. I am sure that everyone does. My dad once said to me that out of all his kids, I was the one that he knew could do whatever I wanted with my life. It should have been something that inspired me, but instead it has almost been something that makes me feel regret sometimes. Could I have been more than just a mama. Does he look at me and wonder why I waisted my personality and drive to have some babies :) Probably not. I know that it sounds ridiculous because being a mom is the most rewarding job out there-- but we are human. and have to be reminded how awesome we are. even if the only people that remember us when we are dead are our grandkids...I think, that is Ok. :) As long as they remember me as a super AWESOME Grandma!

anyways, blah blah blah. Glad you didnt die. love you and good night.

A.R. Krieger said...

I am sooo glad you are feeling better! I also have felt this way time to time...I blame hormones...but I am sure like Lara said, Satan has a big part in it. You are awesome and life wouldn't be the same without you. I am sure you know that already.
Even though we, and what we do may seem so insignificant, its not. Even the smallest things we do cause a rippling effect. Now here comes my bossiness...now go take care of yourself and go have some FUN!!

John and Anna said...

I'm glad you're feeling better Laura and sorry that you had to feel bad at all. A scripture comes to mind..."By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" Alma 37:6-7, and there's a great talk I read as well by Elder Ballard, "Small and Simple Things". I just want you to know that you are continually inspiring me to be a better person. Your RAK Birthday was a perfect example of this. You are A-MAZING! And you are bringing about great things in the small things you do every day.

Cheri said...

Laura, I think you need to buy a plane ticket and come to California for a few days. Come on, just come visit and we can stay up and message Julie all night and be silly.

Shelby said...

I think we all feel like this sometimes...at least I know I do. I read a quote awhile ago about not comparing other people's highlight reel (or the perfect things that get posted on the blog or FB) to our behind the scenes self...I can't remember the exact words but it has truth to it because I know that I do the same thing. I hope you're feeling better!

Katie and Dustin said...

Oh good, you are feeling better!!!!!! Yay!!! Being sick is the pits. And oh my goodness Laura you have no idea how much you have influenced and left your mark on other people. I could make pages and pages of lists of great things you've done for me and my family alone and then include everyone else you have come in contact with over the years -Oh dear so many pages of solely good marks. So don't be sad. It's hard sometimes- I mean let's face it sometimes you just feel like crap and need a day off. And that is OK!!!! It's normal. We are only human. You are an inspiring person. Every time I talk to you or read your blog I feel like I need to be a better person. You have always had such a fun, spunky, attitude and personality. I could go on and on about how creative, imaginative and determined of a person you are. You are a great example to me and many others.Never look back at things you see as failures because they don't matter. What matters is that you continue on and work towards what you want. You have made your mark and will continue to do so your whole life. Keep your head up. Things will get better. Love you. Hope you are feeling better!

Jennifer said...

Hey, I just wanted you to know that I read your blog, and I really appreciated it. And I really don't know how to comment on it. Everyone else has pretty much summed it up, but I do want you to know I'm thinking of you!